Amusingly Serious

Ha one more into the Oxymoron Series.. Its now like a integrated part of my daily life and perhaps i dono i should be able to perceive why its happening like that or its jus that i have to accept it as a part of my life's order. Dono whenever things happen to me that i have perhaps never thought of or atleast expected of, i think that this is the worst that could happen to me and then something more worse comes by as if somebody is breaking world record in a 100 metres sprint. the better it becomes, the faster it is bettered. Especially after raghu was telling that there wud be no openigns and all. I suddenly imagined myself in a state in my 4/1 and thought i had made a comprimise for CTS too much and was too egoistic not to even use the oppurtunities i cud have atleast tried for and the sad part is whenever i need support, everybody starts to get busy or unwell or something else. i realized i had to face all myself. sometimes i do fall prey to my habits like callin people whom i should not and then get the heat. I have a frame of mind and they have another.. getting scolded everytime i think they can help me out. I am thankful to everyone who is teaching me how to face myself, now that its sure i am going out and not going to work here anymore.
Things apart from this, there has been quite a lot things going on mind abt registering on naukri.com and bullshit that i could not have imagined an year back.I know exactly where i was one year back.. and the things whom i jus skipped because i dint wanna lose that enjoyment and perhaps paying me off. perhaps when i go to adyar, i might get my mind right..esp after some greivances abt finance. i thought i must sit in a room get myself locked up and throw the key somewhere(this was my frnds idea,not mine).
i suddenly come to a position where i need to think from a very basic point of view where things need lot of work to get finished like starting up with a ppt or thinking abt how to prepare for a talk. I have been reading freedom of mind by J.krishnamurty and the only idea that striked me was a two letter idea-"LET GO".Its like the password for everypossible question we can ask. starting frm what shoudl i do and its seriousness quotient and i think thts the best answer. job, friend, phone, job, play, work anything when u have a problem. only one answer. He also continues to say that One is survviving rather than living and the converse is what must be happenign. I have been watching movies almost out of no interest and am not able to have the feeling of a movie-buff anymore. call it saturation or anything. I was sorry for many wrong perceptions and huge dissapointments. Its jus making me like stolid for anythign that might happen to me. be it my close friends birthday or the music i was waiting for or playing shuttle with people who play better than me but i occasionally win overthem. I have been overtaken by fear. not to go alone,not to talk abt me, not to do anythign alone and going along with the flock.
Been listenign to some song from a movie called Chandni Chowk to china and some from Ghajini(Hindi). I have perhaps lost that desperation for the Job and the people i thought who wud help me out. after the day appa told i thought its was not partly conicidence and providence that people become independent in the positive sense and selfish in the other sense, though not asking like the typical way( I was there for u and why u not for me)..
Its been quite a time me giving solos of socha hai song in tha baathroom and perhaps when i do that its jus means thinga are gettig on track..
I wud like to tel an adult adage..
Success kisses u in private, failure !@#$% in public..