If you cant understand my silence, You cant understand my words

What can i blame, things
around me are just are falling apart.
Nectar is it, or is the snake i see with it's fangs
As i feel the delusion part,
More than the message, more than the Despair,
I see the Cause, I see change.
Are silence and control camouflaging flare
Lot to feel, lot to tell, lot to learn, see i no one in range...

Went along to see the place where the world ends
Diversity did i see when i came across friends and fiends
Exhaustion i felt, Goal felt more far, Roads looked more long with more bends
I poured my heart to everyone, people, animals and the winds.
Laughed did they, some pushed and then i asked my hands
Leading are you me to my lands.?
Practicality burnt my pocket making me lighter on my funds
why do pennies add more value than pounds
I close my eyes feeling the sands
Felt I, Can there be a communion with me and my minds.?

Ground did it, Scourged i was for my mistake
Emotion resorted to leave me and i did feel a quake
Eyes looked more than misty and had i more than a wake
What i thought, a world which i was living, was more than fake
So precise were the creations, so beautiful was the make.

I reached the place i wanted to, with utmost effort
struggled did i with my utmost heart
Got down i did from my cart
Saw that the board read," This is the End of the World"
Cacophonically did i sing about my happiness with my fold,
A Voice in the hush told my celebration should be put on hold
See The board completely was i told,

From the Other side, it read," The World Begins here"
Learnt did i more than a lear
The Inner voice had me to hear
Now the goal almost clear
made "Me" and me near.

Futile was the aim,
Futile was not the search,
Futile was the Funds
Futile was not the change of Minds
Assumed Futile is the past,
Futile is not the present.
While i see the communion and come back out of the mime,
I see i have missed yet again the Rhyme..!!!

Mindynamics

I dont know why is it happening to me, suddenly one day i see my self so comfortable and optimistic that things never seem to have the potential to change themselves for might be good or bad. Things that are right now now occuring are testing my fluctuation power , emotional ability and for sure the inclination of something that makes me bad, in other words, i jus dono who would be empathic to understand whats going in me and to me. Perhaps, i jus dono the physical and mental capabilities that i possess, because i so interpret things are going way out the factor of safety limit that no aslyum may sure make me atleast cheerful and the more i get to face, the more i am losing the idea to get cheerful and this is all what i have chosen and i dint know i chose this tough. Mentally getting grilled is worst than nailing me physically on a cross. As i always observe, there are three things that primarily required so as to make me act proper and regular. The desire makes me to think towards the completion and the thought makes me further physically strive for it. So i think the higher i go and and i fall , i make a greater impact. Figuratively, i meant the worse i desire, the more i get inflicted upon because the desire is the force that makes the so called body dance to its tunes . I feel my stomach churn, contract and make so many physical movements with jus a sad feeling in my mind. I clearly could never understand the contrasting diffference between brain and mind. I affirm that the brain is the gateway to the brain and for sure there is a higher power in each that governs. But without the brain, the mind shall cease to exist. Its jus the powers in the human body and the mental powers are so accurately synchronized and delivered that we fail to find out the contrast or differenciate the working of each.Thts the reason sometimes people are alive when the brain is dead and when the people dono respond aka trance. The synchronization is lost here and thts the reason the unpredictable comes out. Its at this point that most of the times, people get flashes or do sometimes more than human.
Now i reason, is it possible to control thoughts. its possible to streamline it. Its like a torrent that can never be stopped but can be tapped and all we have to do is to go along with it. sometimes some events change the course of the torrent. But then , the underlying fact is that, the change caused might well become permanent and for sure either people talk or imagine something aka Hallucination. Its jus that, they can never express what they feel or see like and neither we can interpret their actions. They are held up in a certain energy state of thinking that nothing seems to be looking normal like us and for sure for good or bad, its due to some drastic events due to which thigns change in them and they go unforunately out of our reach. For good or bad, we never realize the power of a thought or a desire has. It has far more damaging effect than a physical infliction on ourself. But the point that has to be noted is that, anything that has happens in any plane, the physical body is affected for sure. The only way to crack the puzzle or in other words nulify the Karma we acquire is by doing deeds in the physical plane we live upon which is unfortunately not in control of itself.Therefore it looks like we have more than a challenge to face and more than an aim to focus on. Its like the puppet has to win the show changing the course of the movements that control it. Looks vague, but thts the nearest analogy we can actually reach out to.
If its the pathetic part we look on, its like a fighting a losing war. On the other hand, the war is never fought between two unequals and as said, nothing is unfair, if anything was unfair, life makes it fair. Perhaps better regulation and natural instincts might jus have to be the pre requisites to start for an attack. But as said, no body fights a losing war. The dynamics of the so called existence is to delicate and sophisticated that it makes many a people feel the growth acheived when you win a day in the war. Its not about the day u lose in the war, it matters whether the war is won or no. The irony here is, physics differenciates Statics and dynamics. In fact, Mind becomes more static when u r dynamic and more dynamic when u r static. I suppose laws that we frame and too small and non-specific that govern the mind and perhaps if the mind has made a rule, it always has an inert malfunction in it. In other words how can mind make rules for the mind. Well This is jus a beginning to Mindynamics..

I am here to create Chaos..& the thing about the Chaos is, Its Fair

Do i see myself in the making
Scolding, crying, repenting and understanding.
Breaking up and having so many patches,
The rising of a dead Phoenix from its ashes.
The less i spoke, the more i heard,
made me separate from my herd.
I ask the heavens above,
Why isn't thou giving me the answers now.?

The Title is one of the few golden truths that THE JOKER tells about life. Every incident that occurs almost is true, perhaps the perception may not be true. The perception of a glass half filled with water is viewed in two ways. The person whose mental frame is set in pessimism, sees it half empty, where as the latter sees it half filled. Its the perception that governs a system, firm, mind and life. The person who is 40 years claims he is two thirds in grave when 60 yrs is the limit. There is so much problem with people who get close to us. There is either a chance of them getting totally confident on us that they doubt on us so much, if we do anything on our own and something different from the set mental frame in their mind. This thing breeds something called as conditioning and doubt in some cases. Possesivenness neither allows the person free and neither you free. Honestly and indeed i have suffered and have been a victim of both the cases. The worst thing is expectation from a person who is mostly instantaneous and basically friendly with all. The worst part is , when we get close to that person. He expect him/ her to fit into my mental frame that any deviation is not intolerable and i start to fluctuate for any change in the person's behaviour. Phew..! Moral of the story, Close, Closer, Closest, Closed :-P...
The human mind is so convenient and comfortable to describe emotions and situations in its language. Perhaps a word called unfair is never a part of any dictionary. Does anything happen to us that is unfair..? There is nothing called unfair and somethin getting unfair is fair. So its jus for us that to understand whts in store for us and perhaps realize our capabilities, strengths, limits and options.! Therefore to know ourselves, we need to primarily have a trial and error method to know ourselves and for sure when we are near our real mark, we wil get closer to wht we actually are. Perhaps sometimes i think, having a power like telepathy or reading other minds would not have created all these complications. Perhaps not having this faculty is fair..!! The irony of life is always as i mentioned, i dont get what i want now and my friend gets it now which he does not want. If everything were to be complete, wholesome and satisfying, there would not be anything called hunt, evolution or any effort to strive for or infact to reach out for.
Perfection is death and never strive for it. As i read things from Carl Sagan, he says anybody who is done with his responsibilities and his material duties, has to think about two things. Beginning and the End of anything. When are my sorrows going to end. when are my happy days going to come. Perhaps THE MATRIX answers everybody, Everything that has a beginning, has an end.
If everything were easy, Perhaps the creation would not be a worthy one. Its been a year long wait and believe it or no. I have being learning things in the most hardest way. Its like getting to learn addition at the age of twenty. Looks easy, but makes you realize easy things are most difficult to learn and the most horrible thing is when u know, u know addition the rest are learning higher things than that, you are declared u dono addition and made to relearn and believe it or no, you forget after addition after some time. Time creates a slack in you and perhaps the energy left in you does not show it VIVA in it. I suppose things have made me more thoughtful towards anything, a sort of stolid and neutral approach towards anything and perhaps, when my frnd tells me that hey did u see the flat beside you.?, Your earlier response would have been, "Ace man, That house looked exactly like the one i think i saw in my dreams," when you know already you are talking bullshit. instead the answer now would be an appreciating "Ya dude"..
As i have written for some of my frnds, in telugu some say, Gaadidhi guddu, kankara peesu. The thoughtful niche makes u think God The Good, Conquer peace. Thoughts get thoughtful. Thinking of a classic slow song like the Man who sold the world -Nirvana or probably New Moon-Twilight Background. Sometimes around 2 or 3 in the night when i start to explore my balcony in the night.(Jab Sara Sheher Sotha Hai, Thab Shyam Balcony mein Ghoomtha Hain..Lol), i ponder so much that thoughts get to condense from my eyes and make me thoughtful about what things have made me to stand there and think about things that has made me see REALITY and perhaps sometime before, i was too timid to stand out and accept and see that. It has been more than managing for the time being before and when time comes when i have to see what i have done, i repent and perhaps everybody has a time for this and i am havin it now and Like said," Everybody wil catch the train, i will too catch, but at the last. "Can busy life surf out more thoughts in me than now, when i have too much to think and nothing to do.?

Growth should never be a constant term when one is static and perhaps he has to outgrow himself as the day finishes. Perhaps we have to outgrow people, emotions and reactions for an event tomorow if there is a case if deja-vu. Perhaps a life is too big a day to outgrow what we have learnt this life and perhaps in the next life have a different approach for the same thing. The beauty of creation is, in any life you never have a deja-vu and always you have to act with your instincts. Growth is such a wonderful phenomenon that makes you fall every moment making you to more stronger to climb higher and know that Life is like a game of cards, The point u think you hold all the cards, you lose most.

You are doing a great service to the nation son...

These are some of the very few words that gifted people get in their lives for doing something that the nation finds, a some what genuine use for. For the first time, when i heard this words in the movie " Beautiful Mind", *ing Russel Crowe., He has such a natural flair of deducing anything , infact deducing and seeing the logic behind events occuring around us. Though he was considered as indifferent and all.. The truth is that he was terribly sad with himself that he was afraid that the knowledge within himself would be misused and feared to doing things that he dint like and he mentally visualized himself getting blackmailed.!! The irony of the story is even genious folk like them have to face such horrendous threats that it becomes very hard for them to keep themselves in focus. The reason behind this observation is that, it takes lot to be gifted. when they are gifted, they usually think its a curse and then again, it takes even more to realize that those are given to complete a mission or join into a race that might lead the latter. We, crave for them and never get indeed think life would get lot easier if we were sort of mutants. But, Every entity, tangeable or intangeable, reactive or no reactive suffers, experiences and learns from its own mistakes and its course of evolution. Its jus a small analogy that the tenth class student has his own problems and then the third class boy thinks that life is heaven if he was in tenth class. Perhaps both are in such states that neither of each can express his problem thru words to the other and always think abt that life would be good and enjoyable when they swap their positions. Indeed the beauty of the evoution is we grow in our life by understanding, interacting and learning.But, like a stone, when placed on glass, when reaches higher heights gains lot of potential energy. when the higher it goes and makes a smaller mistake, it creates a bigger impact on the stone than when it would fall from a smalle height. The ignorance levels in adults becomes exhorbitantly high. A new born baby is born and according to results, it takes surprisingly either no effort or full effort of a person to make the child smile. The child is like the nature, it may smile for anything and all the time we, adults struggle to make the child smile. when the child smiles, if at all i could go inside the thinking cells of the brain of the child, it would have been echoing laughter at ignorance of the so called "grown ups" and again helplessly neither of each can communicate each other's feelings at the point when it matters. Like always.. TMTB- Too Much is Too Bad..
When i ponder about the "INNER MAN" of a person, however he might look from outside, I jus hope we all could have inner eyes to view what the real man is and see his actual reaction and whats that making him stop or making him to hesitate to do things that he is supposed to do. In the movie "Taking Chance", the major, who is supposed to be mentally strong meets people in different occupations who show their respect and their feelings for the soldier who died in the war and is taken back to his homeplace for his funeral.. The inner eye opens and he sees the respect not for the body but for the respect of a human being from a human being.. at every stage from a child to an old man feels it. The Major says." The respect for the life was given from the point he died and he was more than alive when the coffin was being carried on and he passed away when he was buried in here". Life is more than one can expect and thinks or imagines about. Its about fulfilling the mission he has come here for and perhaps we need to even search the mission.
I am herenow more than a feeling abt one's feeling on anything, anybody or any situation.Its like the more we run behind the butterfly, the farther it goes from us. We should clearly understand the contrasting difference between guidance, support , advice and forcing. This four are applicable at all levels of comprehension and interaction i.e with humans, plants etc. and with humans(frnds, relatives and officers). Often great truths are not hidden and we crack our brains to find those. Its been a more than understanding now a days pondering abt people who speak always that there is lot more to offer when we listen and as always things mould us for the circumstances we need to face. So, if at all you are fearing about how you would fare about in the cruel world outside, dont worry, an automatic healing and adjustment wizard makes you adaptable for where u go.

The more i feel the pain,
The more it makes me prepare for the future slain.
Why does the shout comes from the spasm
That conviction is the source of enthusiasm.
I feel more than tested around by you,
I get puzzled when u say, brunt was for me, why the grunt for u?
Life is not to be concluded now in this phase,
I realize its clear now , when u removed the Haze..!!

Position in control.. Roger that

The title says it all.. i jus cant imagine how i suddenly change my mental status according to the situations around that some how invariable makes me to write the blog that things are indeed making me do something different that i am either supposed or not supposed to do. Phew.. Its just that when u start to feel the sweet that u r eating is tasting more than " sweet" and u r like, i had enough of the sweet. the paradox of the current lifestyle is perhaps everything is good, anything more makes it bad. A person with too much drinking, too much of work, too much of reading and too much of talking gets to feel at some point that things are getting over extended and perhaps as enjoyed shud be phrased as endjoyed.
As i believe, anything that we pray for and ask for, surely for some reasons does not happen all by itself. Instead its jus made to be done and taken by us. Its jus that we have never understood the reason and the logic governing our actions, reasons for the action and further which the evolution never makes us think. I suppose the person anybody higher than us is too honest and kind to give us the fruit of the action we do. Therefore if there were any discovery made(invention would be a joke), the person gets the credit and for any bad thing he gets the heat too.. Therefore for doing anything great or horrible, i suppose i am more than the last name in his priority on his and its too illogical that makes me think that way and heis the person who troubles me in the daily life. I suppose we make our own destiny and that we are not updated with the acts we have been doing lives before.
Flashes like dreams may partly be a clue to what actually we are supposed to do. We surely know the difference between a flash and a dream. A Flash is a complex figurative idiom that has to be understood and applied in real life. A flash guides you. Unlike a dream may be due to regular or a prey to ur likes, dislikes and fears. All Flashes are dreams, the converse is never true. I suppose being on the minority side or being alone amidst many a people may be the most difficult situation is one;s life because there are lot of chances where he may get influenced by the ideas and actions of the latter and one should have a firewall, a repelling sheath that makes him to stand on his word and ideals.
Being in a kinda habit makes life worst. may it be in constant touch with some one or habits like drinking or smoking. They haunt you making me a slave of a stream of similar vibrated and intesified thoughts. After some time, after a change, u have a layer of thoughts superimposed on that, perhaps erasing more than anything else that recorded, thoughts are the most difficult to erase and that only the intensity can be reduced.
When a person is reactive to a situation and not thoughtful, he does not comprehend its reality. Perhaps balanced, non-reactive and utmost stolid personalities are given responsibilities of higher order, physically, monetarily or ethically. Therefore it becomes tantamount on one;s mental strength of having absolute discreetion to deliver things at the right place for the right priority.
Things have been more than churning me making me know the mistakes i have been through and like a non-penetratable sheath, change is not being permanent. I jus feel its getting thin and one day for sure, its going to start showing the changes. The change in the winning side is never making the stronger time weak, but making the weaker team strong. Things that i do are making the open doors sealed and perhaps extended doing to some activities are going to lead me to a multiple dead end situation. Completion has never found its place in my talk and further incomplete has been frequent in my talk. I am glad i could jus remove the two letters "in" from incompletion. When i think dejected or cheated, i get angry on infinitesimally small issues that need to no priority. I get an idea to humiliate somebody, laugh at a person's agony or perhaps want to listen to a person more sad than me and jus not able to listen, accept and comprehend my present status of atmosphere around me. Its jus that change is making the bad things react in me and causing me to do things that are not desirable. The Irony is you realize how futile, irresponsible and useless were the things you did, jus after doing it..


Evry day looks longer than before,
every rupee looks more valuable,
every word is becoming more thoughtful,
everything is looking Real.

Priorities

Hey Kala Kala Kala Bandhar Baahar hain ya , hain andhar..

This might be one of the posts which took me lot of time to come and perhaps things have been jus too .......(any adjective i use would be controversial)..It has been jus fair and nothing else.. Its jus that some people who have been stopped talking with me from quite some time have had a resurrection of their behaviour towards me. On a bad note, its jus that i have abruptly cancelled one of my biggest dream to sing( A Karaoke Program). The time i was planning for it, i was planning for it too much and GOD i was learning photoshop and all.Things make me jus so different for the event that i thin.. perhaps saturation is jus inching and i am almost on the verge of getting dfrnt and ugly. esp when there are threads like second aniversary and all..I see my thoughts sway suddenly somewhere the body is automatically teleported to a place like in the song" Dance of the Death", " They took me to a place unholy, and then danced and tranced with them".. Perhaps music is created, as told by raghu either to vent out; when under effect of drugs or in utter depression, perhaps thts when the real comes out and then music comes out, the incredible guitar solo sometimes, cant imagine.hmmm
Coming to priorities, its jus that i have wasted more than basic significant numeric value of chances to be in a such a stage to write this statement. i jus think i am fit into a frame that i cant move out and neither do i have a positive frame of mind to prepare for anything else. Infact bloggin is a big attempt after havng a tragedy in the GRE exam. But priority is most important. now that the Job is the only chance that i have and i have to accept it in any way it comes so be it the villain i go with and be it the vamp i work with , i have to neglect, infact pushing away them and work towards somthing different. not the Job, but something i know is not the Job.
Any word if really meant is too heavy to comprehend and for sure priority is in the top list..i think there are so many prioroties in many things like chosing between one and not the other wud give me somehting and take away from me something for sure. be it wht to eat, whether to reply or talk or no, go outside or no, shud i apply here or no, shud i go anywhere, shud i join CTS or no, shud i wait or no, shud i be happy or sad....
Perhaps in some situations too much analysis causes problems rather than simple decisions like chance.. perhaps people who talk and think less and simple are well "placed" than over-planned like many. I think many times that i shud be balanced in all occasions whtver happens or get response for everything. hmmm.. the right word is nonplussed.. neither do i have a bad sense of humour nor am i a clown.. The more things i learn , i presume the nearer i am getting to where i am supposed to go. I know for sure that this is not the place i am waiting for my incarnations to go in and i am not going to find a person like THE ARCHITECT(aka Matrix architect) to tell me i have reached the right place and all bullshit.. perhaps i have to be mentally, intellectually manipulated and modified for something better and nothign more than that.. I seriously have lost all the happiness that i planned for and jus think whtver comes on the way is the thing we have to be abreast with.. I have been going so far in both brave and coward ways and one shud includin me shud accept that one is responsible for whtver happens and therefore wait whtver one has to get..
Movies are now a days a rare thing. doing lot of image manipulation and sound mainpulation and perhaps after the tuitions, shud run off from all these things and come back with the call.!!!

Observation makes learning.
Learning leads to doing.
doing to knowing.
knowing to understanding.
understanding to prioritizing.
prioritizing to communion.
communion to perfection..