Confessions of an Escapist

Paagalguy.com

2010-10-16T16:00:00.004+05:30

* - People who have helped me in writing this Blog in Hyd.

I have joined the league of people who have travelled back home in Flight when they get Crack. Akka's* food in my house in kolkata made me to type a URL in my office at 11 0 clock a.m.

www.cleartrip.com

Sidharth* gave the kick i needed to book through my credit card. All i needed after that was to board the flight. My situation was worse than "The Terminal". First time i saw the places inside the airport after the ticket was given. Security Check, Boarding pass counter. "GodFather" book pushed the hands of my watch faster than i thought. So i was like feeling, " Is it jus two hours to Hyd..?". It takes two hours from Secunderabad to OsmanSagar in 5k\120. This is one took less than that.

X : "Joy Prakas, Flight mein jachees Amee",

Joy* : Very good amma Shyam Babu, i wish you would have got crack a day before so that you could have been in home a day earlier.

X: Pandu Gaaru, Flight lo velthunna intiki..

Pandu* : Eskalent andi, vellirandi.

The airhostess saw in my eyes and told Welcome aboard to IC 217. I began to laugh. She didnt know how to react. I took my seat and was seeing a KF Red Airlines taking off. Felt a jolt in my stomach. I had my planes' takeoff. Felt something was dropping in my stomach. I was seeing the glide and the turn of the aircraft. A decision could make me see all these. Came back home in an aeroexpress. When i had the tomato rice in my mouth at 9.45 p.m in the night. perhaps words weren't good enough a tool to tell what i was thinking.

Moral of the Lesson : Get Crack and Enjoy.

New Find: The meaning of the word, Aalbattar.

Setting up your Home Page

2010-06-27T00:08:00.003+05:30

What do you want when you open your browser, what do u want to see, when u open your eyes daily. Home page, the starter in ur meal, the foto u wanna c when u wake up, the song that u want shud be ringing when u get up, the welcome background screen. waking up with a jerk in ur dream, waking up with a splash on ur face, waking up with "Man who sold his world"(Nirvana Song), makes a dfrnce. A hi with from a girl at work gives a feel good factor than a hi from a vodafone customer care call( although the hi sounds amazing. Its like Hiii.. welcome to Hutch care.. Oh god,the firnagi touch)..

Things that start good often make u feel better, even when u lose later. Its like the aamir khan funda in 3 idiots, dil ko bewkoof bana do, So things move on. I am still very happy that i am back home after possibly many jerks, I slept on the thursday with a Final destination feeling that some mishap was going tohappen on the friday(Day of Journey). Yes, the mishap was, i got up at 5.59 a.m, and my train was at 7.20. Sandeep, the saviour woke up and told from the verses of the BJ BLOCK Testament, " You had to go to your home, so i woke up to wake u up.", Thts the morning dose of feel good factor, the bus came late, no issues, Condcutor took double fare from me, no isssues, my boogie was at the last, no issues, i had all orissa guys in my place, no issues. There was a theft in my boogie, no issues :-), I had to ear biryani for 40 Rs with no vegetables in it, no issues. At last i came home, I am still happy. When i saw the place Palasa written in telugu onroute to Hyd, I felt like, the best language ever scripted is telugu, the looks of men and women, i dint have any spl reason, looked good, it was like, why dint i see all this for this long time.

The lights in the night in vizag was like so enchanting. Some one was putting Ringa Ringa behind. I had no words, never was i so homesick and the more these things were coming up, the more desperate i was getting to come home. I thought, "Home" is special. where Ever u go, Home is the place whihc u wil always crave for. Mitti kee hain jo khushbu, thu kaisa bhulaayega, Thu chaahey beha jaayein, thu laut key aayega. I suppose fundas are getting little too much. Anyways, one week of solid hi protein diet and meeting up frnds in essential for an another 3 4 months in the Bongland.

One year of Child Labour is done when its June 29 2010 A.D.

No more Pakaau stories.
Better things to come
iShyam

Bong and Cricket

2010-04-18T01:41:00.004+05:30

Listening to: Kites Theme.

Singer: Hrithik Roshan.

Munna, Cho To Shirt Pant Isthri Hobey..?

(Munna, is is possible for u to iron 6 shirts and pants ?). The scene is set with six people in front of his shop playing teen pathein with nuts to eat with each. Munna gets up. Irons my clothes. takes money from me and starts playing with that money again.

Morning, when i start to walk through the DA Block park, I see young kiddos playing football with such intensity that perhaps with light and sound it would have been a Bong UEFA cup. They had audience and one of their frnd tellng like a coach, how and what to play. when one of the player hits a goal, he kisses the football, runs through out the park. bends down and kisses the mud below.instant bliss. perhaps, the game starts from the park.

On a typical saturday from Gautams Dhaba to park walking, i see approximately five parrallel BPL(Bong premier leagues) with sixes all around and rules so very compatible that a park can fit all the seven matches simulataneously. A small boy around ten years, dives to reach out to the crease and then fights back to bat though he is out. When the bowler bowls a ball and the batsman fails to hit it and misses it, the fielders say, "Same Ball Dada, Same Ball".Every one in India is a born batsman. Everyone who holds it, gets that feeling from lineage that he is going to hit a six.

Hamaara Bong is the only place where perhaps u will get a true perception of what a game can mean to anyone. Day by day, the city is starting to reveal so much of itself that perhaps, it holds too much and the more u see it, the more remains to be seen. Be it the ignorance of the people who behave like that or the nature in it, more remains to be seen. Seeing a match in Eden Gardens with the field shining and when shane bond bowls it, the Bong ground shows it color. the white leather ball glides and moves and it makes the audience mesmerized and the only word that comes to their mind is DADA. He is like that avtaar in Bong, where everyone waits for him to hit. When he slowed down in todays match, people were trying to cheer him up in other ways by shouting DONA, NAGMA lolzz. when the DJ says, "when i say KKR, u say,", the audience says DADA.With SRK and DADA, no one can ever make an anti-KKR audience. i started to sing the Bong "Lorbo Korbo Jeethbo" song as well.. He wins the match for KKR and all shout in praise of him again.

Calcutta,kolkata,bong are three stages of the place i was, am and will be. Its like a Anurag Kashyap movie, never underestimate it, never conclude by the trailer, go with the movie. u c lots of sense in it.

More professional, unprofessional, sporting action coming my way soon from now.watch for more bong stories and reality shows in this space.

So long,

The New Bongali

Calcutta in-Difference

2009-11-30T23:14:00.002+05:30

Welcome to city of the reality, Welcome to the city of difference and its truly distinct style of teaching life to a person like me who is still in the egg shell of ignorance and unreal fun. Things are no uniquely dfrnt. U can automatically know that, u are here to learn things in the harder way. I was one of the 6 geese who were selected to go , reasons being spectacularly unknown. the only thing that comes to my mind when i hear Bangla is the dialogue from Pawan Kalyan in the movie KUSHI,

"Vishv mein ek rabindranath tagore, satyajit ray, jagadish chandra bose and char majumdar, Royal Bengal Tiger. Siddu Sidhartha Roy, We are all from hamaara Bangla.

Apart from having a summary of the woes i had in and due to kolkata, the other part is, i started to know and live amongst "people". I had seen poverty in the eye of a lady in the slum , i saw a conductor giving back two twenty five paise coins back to the traveller. i have seen a person pulling me on his shoulders for five rupees(rickshaw-victoria). i have seen people fighting for ten rupees. i have a live fish being cut.
I have seen intelligence used for cheating people. I have seen what bargaining is. i saw a place bigger than koti for shopping. i have seen how unsafe life is after 9 p.m. I have seen fear in the eye of a girl when she sees a drunkard falling. I have seen an illegal immigrant struggling for living and running from police. i have seen people travelling 40 kms to come to office. I have seen people and vehicles are totally unruly on roads. i have seen people think and live in the future here. I have seen people here are close and dont make relationships closed. I have seen the worst food that kolkata can offer and the best food we can make out of it. I havent seen ego in kolkata. I have seen a 50 year old man singing bengali songs with such perfection that u are mesmerized with his tune(i dint understand anything though). I have seen submissiveness, lessons in store for people like me who think life is going in a honda city and jumping and hopping to theatres and enjoying food that mom makes.

Kolkata made me to realize every word that my dad said, every lunch and dinner my mom made, every thing that my sister used to ask me, every little group that my frnds included me into, every frnd whom i used to mean a lot, every rupee i earned, every rupee i spent. It cracked me mentally, physically and emotionally. JP Morgan is jus a reason to teach me the lesson that kolkata offers to everyone. I have seen great people breaking down emotionally due to the resistance the city offers. For good or bad, people leave the city. I am here to learn the hidden side of Calcutta. the inner pages of the book that truly means and wil change my life for all the things ahead.

More things to come..

Shom Shunder
AD 189, Sector -1
Salt Lake.

Closed Eye Happiness

2009-06-03T00:04:00.004+05:30

I asked the horizon, as i looked towards it
Can i reach u when i start to learn bit by bit
I know u would have me hit
I was using so much of my wit
That i would definitely fall into the pit
I had only word, which had my mouth knit
No other word other than "Quit"
No Space for hope or grit.

When the sheets were up from the eyes one day
was it on the end of may
I had left sorrows on the bay
Saw the news, Totally Numb i lay
I dint know whether the Almighty hear my pray
I promised i would never fall to my prey

Why doesnot words come
now when they should describe reaction and not staying mum
I had to talk to myself
Closed Eye Happiness i had with my Self
Sadness is always to create a mess
Thomas Jefferson in the declaration of Independence states" All are in the pursuit of Happiness".

This is what i call a Face Melter!!

2009-05-08T22:24:00.003+05:30

What is the way to know the value of something and know the intrinsic meaning of why like should not get converted into craze. I like Basundhi a lot, my dad says," No rice from tomorrow". Only basundhi.. I am more than happy with his offer.. But as i said in my earlier posts, perhaps enjoying is leading to endjoying. So perhaps as the axiom goes," TMTB- Too Much is Too Bad". As always i am able to see the worst part now. I happened to eat loads of basundi for a day and the other day too, thinking on the postive side, i thought nobody gets rice and i get basundhi. racha!!. the third day as Kota Srinivas Rao in Money movie says," Started trouble. Same card, Names change", same thing i did too. I too thought enough of basundhi and changed back to rice and nice awakai. Figuratively, if we understand the other way, too much of happiness and too much of despair makes man to shift his options and go to something different where he thinks he can be satisfied or something. If for a case, i am made to eat basundhi even if i dont like to. The problem is i dont have an option. In this case if u r made to live between people whom u dont like or something and yet living between them is a sort of test for u.. There are two ways of dealing. Rebel or sustain. Both has growth. You rebel, you come out with your opinions and your talk and get a clarification about what he wants and what you are. The other way is a little tricky. The more u sustain, something like plastic deformation occurs there in your thought process and then U CHANGE. You become silent, you lose taste, You lose the vigour and start to listen and inquire rather than enquire about you. This is the point where u get a lot to think about something that is real and not superficial. While i see the style quotient of the car, you see the mileage. You run, i run sideways to see you that nothign happens to you, You eat, i see nothing falls down. You act, i watch. This is something GOD might be. He is nothing but a silent watcher. As Einstein says," Dont say what GOD should do". Many a oberservation says that if a person is silent most of the times, it means he is ignorant and does not know answers. sometimes like wild card entries there are some people who remain silent , observe and go off and at the end they add lot of value rather than others who talk lot. So not all the times being expressive pays off ans sometimes keeping to one self makes you comprehend a feeling. You are sad, You are homesick, You long or cling to something. Do u think this is the end of the emotion. Is despair the end result of anything. It is not. Anything should bring about a change and emotions bring about a change and change of emotion cannot be defined as a change as such.
When people lose big time, when come tell he never had "luck", He never had good friends with him, he never had good food, most people of this category turn silent and they often talk qualitatively rather than quantitatively and these people are declared "Low". They react to hardly anything, choise is a joke for them and they often avoid groups and gangs. Likes of Ayn Rand rather than a harry potter book. A NatGeo or History Channel documentary rather than a Mtv Roadies. These people cannot be categorized as people who are aloof but care more than usual, but the irony of the fact is when they care more than others, they are not expressive and dont expect much. Yet their words add so much value and weight that they dont remember what they said and rather wil u forget either.
A Story i have been telling to a many but never forget:
Me and my friend were walking on the shores of a beach. I see down on the sand and see there are four foot prints on the sand. I walk along. I am so happy in my life and i see down in the sands again. I see four foot prints. I am happy than my friend is there with me while i am happy to share with me.. I go into deep problems and agony and i still walk on the sands. I close my eyes in despair. I look back. I see when i was in agony, only two foot prints were there instead of four. I cry and i feel i am alone in this world and all friends are with me when i have money. I call back my friend when i happy over again and i ask him why he wasnt there with me when i was sad. He says, "Yes, there were two foot prints. Those were mine. I lifted you when u were in troubles and dint make u feel anything pain." Was i melted more than ever.!!!

More than a thought.. More than a feeling

2009-05-06T22:23:00.002+05:30

When u start seeing good happening around you and you are not getting what u think u deserve, two things shud actually come to your mind. One is either you are indifferent or you must be special. the obvious things that happen to these category of people is they get flashes of hopes which make them to stick on to what they were sticking to these many days. It may mean it it might be for good or sometimes it might be a hint that there are better things waiting and the flash was jus to prove that it was more than time waste that we are waiting for things that we are not eligible for or we should be doing something more than our calibre and that we are not steadfast to it. Perhaps the most easiest thing to do is to talk and talk of that sort never carries weight. When your talk comes after you have experienced and tell a moral of your experience, the words carry more than weight. Lip sympathy infact sympathy are of no use and we should not waste our emotions on things or incidents that we know are for good and perhaps as i said time and radio heals every things. A cry, laugh, like , dislike, tension, happiness, struggle or infact life.. everything is so effortlessly moving that we fail to understand the motive of all these things happening around us. I feel sad now that i am doing nothing now. i feel happy in the evening that i dont have problems like them and not far from our parents and i am still waking up at 10 in the morning. In the night i feel i am wasted and sit and see where i am when many of my friends are moving ahead. I feel more than satisified with a nice Thumbs up in my mouth, i feel sad i cant spend as much as them. I feel happy when i go on raghu's bike with sweat on my face giving me a cooling effect. I feel sad when i see someone in Full Shirts Formals. Perhaps there are always some comprimises that one has to make to decide what he has to do for a period of time. If i get a job, i should change myself perhaps i wil get changed and should change economically, mentally, and perhaps verbally too. Growth is such a phenomenon that gives us something and takes away from us too something and perhaps that things should not be with us. Honestly till now what ever i liked or needed most, i go away from it or perhaps i struggle more than others but i add value to it and i make sure that i do more than justice and see i am unique not indifferent. I need to study , go to US but i miss parents and friends. I like to get a job but i cant struggle more and want to go to shuttle at 5 sharp. i want lot of salary and no taxes. I want AC around me and not the heat that comes out of it. I want life full of happiness and not the other part. One question is that if u want all the happiness, there is also sadness and if everytime everybody thinks they are fair in what they do in their life, why you get the happiness and why me get the despair..?
I see sometimes looking outside the window of the bus sometimes all the people are in such a hurry in accomplishing all things. when i start walking silently sometmes to the shuttle ground, if i observe myself carefully, i talk, i smile, i show many mixed emotions, run fast, sing or hum that i cant observe and others see with ease. the converse happens too. Seriously our mind is too big , too complex hmmm machine which keeps on doing so much work that it makes look anything small and un noticeable. But the irony is it transforms everything around it when its too happy or too sad. The world and people around us looks so good and so green and so musical when things go our way and then when we dont get what we get, frustration cries through our mind, hands getting itchy to beat some one without reason, angry for losing one serve in a game, remaining silent when u were always blaberring before when u were happy. Fluctuation, happiness healing to despair and converse happening. Making the mind more strong, making the emotions come out rarely and appropriately. Getting the balanced outlook towards everything. Perhaps inching towards something better and everytime we think we dont want anything and everything comes on its own when needed is the state when all things start to settle and perhaps preparing us for something better. The mind or the brain whatever makes me tell this, talk like this has total power to change my outlook and at present is most fluctuatin. The most educated person when i see crying, i feel the power of mind. Perhaps knowing is nothing when compared to understanding.Understandin is nothing in front of feeling.

Beyond all thoughts are you
Complex u r that u leave no clue
Be it a water in the form of dew
Or the tears which came from the blue
Happening is it, falsehood or true
Closer u drew
I learnt , the stronger i grew.!!

Providence or Coincidence?

2009-05-02T22:48:00.004+05:30

I am on the edge of a mountain and i am jus about to fall into that, i have somethin like the ring that freudo has, and somebody needs it and i am ready to fall into that, i hold on to a rock while the person who needs the ring bollywoodically slips down and falls into the lava and i come up emphatically up..(scene change).. I see my school classmate coming to my college and then tells mehow i have been.I talk for some time and suddenly somebody hits me from back.All shout.(teleport) I see myself sitting in a seat in a pub and colours of the light make me look different, i am dragged by my friends to dance and i dont. we all go to the beach and suddenlymy phone rings from an unknown number. I shout a lot but the person on the other side's voice is never audible. i shout even more. I have a jerk. I see myself on the bed with sweat on my face and get up and in an instant the feeling of the so called dream grips me and then again, in not less than ten min, the dream becomes sort of faint that i cant explain to anybody verbally. I then sit down and start to do my work.
Perhaps anything which i cant remember, cant be taken seriously and therefore i need lot more than utter encouragement and more than scientific proof and implications. Therefore wasting no more of my time i start to switch on the computer and see the torrent's progress and then do the rest of the day's work.
Around eleven or so i go out and then i feel the scorch of the sun and then start to walk at the edge of our road. I get a call that, i start play early today and then i start towards the ground, i remember that my frnds wants a dvd of movies i dwded recently and then again go back home and board the bus and then since there is nothing more than some 20 30 rupees for bus charge and the dvd, i drop the dvd more than five days and everybody glares at me. i get down and then go to the ground walking. I see that i have to reach out to the shuttle cock much more than required as the shuttle cock is seeming more than heavier today and i sweat for small shots also. Other friend comes and tells that he needs the dvd, i am puzzled and says i have to give it to other fellow. Small runnin around the ground and i get the dvd back..all say lets go to hotel, i dont have enoug money with me, i am dragged and then i come home back and then i sit in front of the computer and mom asks me whether i have finished some work or no. i cant listen properly. i moan then i shout.Suddenly i get a feel of deja-vu that somethin on the similar lines has happened me and if at all there were any thing like quantification or verbalization of experience or any feeling, i would have felt something similar. I see myself writing this blog now.

Perhaps a matrix call, the freudo ring from LOTR, the goa trip i've had, many incidents scrambled makes this dream like somewhat figuratively real. Anything that happens to us, good or bad gives us two options. Is it coincidence or providence. Depends on how brave we are, how timid we are, the answer answers us. Like Professor John Koestler says," Intelligent people find providence, the others find coincidence".

Long long ago, so long ago
When the Ego was not having the ego,
Present a vault that was beyond all riches
Wanted by all, wizards and the witches.
Too many clues, too many maps.
Would lead you to the goal or deadly traps
The more complex they made it, the same it looked.
Saw a person about this on the poster which was hooked.
Emptiness filled in him, little saw the glow glow
Moved did he towards the vault steady and slow
Closed his eyes did he, nothing did he expect
Simplicity he did reflect
Felt he elated when the vault was open,
The treasure was visible to him alone and not the other men
Said he to the other with pity
"I am the one to declare it empty" :-)

If you cant understand my silence, You cant understand my words

2009-04-26T22:59:00.002+05:30

What can i blame, things
around me are just are falling apart.
Nectar is it, or is the snake i see with it's fangs
As i feel the delusion part,
More than the message, more than the Despair,
I see the Cause, I see change.
Are silence and control camouflaging flare
Lot to feel, lot to tell, lot to learn, see i no one in range...

Went along to see the place where the world ends
Diversity did i see when i came across friends and fiends
Exhaustion i felt, Goal felt more far, Roads looked more long with more bends
I poured my heart to everyone, people, animals and the winds.
Laughed did they, some pushed and then i asked my hands
Leading are you me to my lands.?
Practicality burnt my pocket making me lighter on my funds
why do pennies add more value than pounds
I close my eyes feeling the sands
Felt I, Can there be a communion with me and my minds.?

Ground did it, Scourged i was for my mistake
Emotion resorted to leave me and i did feel a quake
Eyes looked more than misty and had i more than a wake
What i thought, a world which i was living, was more than fake
So precise were the creations, so beautiful was the make.

I reached the place i wanted to, with utmost effort
struggled did i with my utmost heart
Got down i did from my cart
Saw that the board read," This is the End of the World"
Cacophonically did i sing about my happiness with my fold,
A Voice in the hush told my celebration should be put on hold
See The board completely was i told,

From the Other side, it read," The World Begins here"
Learnt did i more than a lear
The Inner voice had me to hear
Now the goal almost clear
made "Me" and me near.

Futile was the aim,
Futile was not the search,
Futile was the Funds
Futile was not the change of Minds
Assumed Futile is the past,
Futile is not the present.
While i see the communion and come back out of the mime,
I see i have missed yet again the Rhyme..!!!

Mindynamics

2009-04-20T22:29:00.005+05:30

I dont know why is it happening to me, suddenly one day i see my self so comfortable and optimistic that things never seem to have the potential to change themselves for might be good or bad. Things that are right now now occuring are testing my fluctuation power , emotional ability and for sure the inclination of something that makes me bad, in other words, i jus dono who would be empathic to understand whats going in me and to me. Perhaps, i jus dono the physical and mental capabilities that i possess, because i so interpret things are going way out the factor of safety limit that no aslyum may sure make me atleast cheerful and the more i get to face, the more i am losing the idea to get cheerful and this is all what i have chosen and i dint know i chose this tough. Mentally getting grilled is worst than nailing me physically on a cross. As i always observe, there are three things that primarily required so as to make me act proper and regular. The desire makes me to think towards the completion and the thought makes me further physically strive for it. So i think the higher i go and and i fall , i make a greater impact. Figuratively, i meant the worse i desire, the more i get inflicted upon because the desire is the force that makes the so called body dance to its tunes . I feel my stomach churn, contract and make so many physical movements with jus a sad feeling in my mind. I clearly could never understand the contrasting diffference between brain and mind. I affirm that the brain is the gateway to the brain and for sure there is a higher power in each that governs. But without the brain, the mind shall cease to exist. Its jus the powers in the human body and the mental powers are so accurately synchronized and delivered that we fail to find out the contrast or differenciate the working of each.Thts the reason sometimes people are alive when the brain is dead and when the people dono respond aka trance. The synchronization is lost here and thts the reason the unpredictable comes out. Its at this point that most of the times, people get flashes or do sometimes more than human.
Now i reason, is it possible to control thoughts. its possible to streamline it. Its like a torrent that can never be stopped but can be tapped and all we have to do is to go along with it. sometimes some events change the course of the torrent. But then , the underlying fact is that, the change caused might well become permanent and for sure either people talk or imagine something aka Hallucination. Its jus that, they can never express what they feel or see like and neither we can interpret their actions. They are held up in a certain energy state of thinking that nothing seems to be looking normal like us and for sure for good or bad, its due to some drastic events due to which thigns change in them and they go unforunately out of our reach. For good or bad, we never realize the power of a thought or a desire has. It has far more damaging effect than a physical infliction on ourself. But the point that has to be noted is that, anything that has happens in any plane, the physical body is affected for sure. The only way to crack the puzzle or in other words nulify the Karma we acquire is by doing deeds in the physical plane we live upon which is unfortunately not in control of itself.Therefore it looks like we have more than a challenge to face and more than an aim to focus on. Its like the puppet has to win the show changing the course of the movements that control it. Looks vague, but thts the nearest analogy we can actually reach out to.
If its the pathetic part we look on, its like a fighting a losing war. On the other hand, the war is never fought between two unequals and as said, nothing is unfair, if anything was unfair, life makes it fair. Perhaps better regulation and natural instincts might jus have to be the pre requisites to start for an attack. But as said, no body fights a losing war. The dynamics of the so called existence is to delicate and sophisticated that it makes many a people feel the growth acheived when you win a day in the war. Its not about the day u lose in the war, it matters whether the war is won or no. The irony here is, physics differenciates Statics and dynamics. In fact, Mind becomes more static when u r dynamic and more dynamic when u r static. I suppose laws that we frame and too small and non-specific that govern the mind and perhaps if the mind has made a rule, it always has an inert malfunction in it. In other words how can mind make rules for the mind. Well This is jus a beginning to Mindynamics..

I am here to create Chaos..& the thing about the Chaos is, Its Fair

2009-04-19T22:51:00.008+05:30

Do i see myself in the making
Scolding, crying, repenting and understanding.
Breaking up and having so many patches,
The rising of a dead Phoenix from its ashes.
The less i spoke, the more i heard,
made me separate from my herd.
I ask the heavens above,
Why isn't thou giving me the answers now.?

The Title is one of the few golden truths that THE JOKER tells about life. Every incident that occurs almost is true, perhaps the perception may not be true. The perception of a glass half filled with water is viewed in two ways. The person whose mental frame is set in pessimism, sees it half empty, where as the latter sees it half filled. Its the perception that governs a system, firm, mind and life. The person who is 40 years claims he is two thirds in grave when 60 yrs is the limit. There is so much problem with people who get close to us. There is either a chance of them getting totally confident on us that they doubt on us so much, if we do anything on our own and something different from the set mental frame in their mind. This thing breeds something called as conditioning and doubt in some cases. Possesivenness neither allows the person free and neither you free. Honestly and indeed i have suffered and have been a victim of both the cases. The worst thing is expectation from a person who is mostly instantaneous and basically friendly with all. The worst part is , when we get close to that person. He expect him/ her to fit into my mental frame that any deviation is not intolerable and i start to fluctuate for any change in the person's behaviour. Phew..! Moral of the story, Close, Closer, Closest, Closed :-P...
The human mind is so convenient and comfortable to describe emotions and situations in its language. Perhaps a word called unfair is never a part of any dictionary. Does anything happen to us that is unfair..? There is nothing called unfair and somethin getting unfair is fair. So its jus for us that to understand whts in store for us and perhaps realize our capabilities, strengths, limits and options.! Therefore to know ourselves, we need to primarily have a trial and error method to know ourselves and for sure when we are near our real mark, we wil get closer to wht we actually are. Perhaps sometimes i think, having a power like telepathy or reading other minds would not have created all these complications. Perhaps not having this faculty is fair..!! The irony of life is always as i mentioned, i dont get what i want now and my friend gets it now which he does not want. If everything were to be complete, wholesome and satisfying, there would not be anything called hunt, evolution or any effort to strive for or infact to reach out for.
Perfection is death and never strive for it. As i read things from Carl Sagan, he says anybody who is done with his responsibilities and his material duties, has to think about two things. Beginning and the End of anything. When are my sorrows going to end. when are my happy days going to come. Perhaps THE MATRIX answers everybody, Everything that has a beginning, has an end.
If everything were easy, Perhaps the creation would not be a worthy one. Its been a year long wait and believe it or no. I have being learning things in the most hardest way. Its like getting to learn addition at the age of twenty. Looks easy, but makes you realize easy things are most difficult to learn and the most horrible thing is when u know, u know addition the rest are learning higher things than that, you are declared u dono addition and made to relearn and believe it or no, you forget after addition after some time. Time creates a slack in you and perhaps the energy left in you does not show it VIVA in it. I suppose things have made me more thoughtful towards anything, a sort of stolid and neutral approach towards anything and perhaps, when my frnd tells me that hey did u see the flat beside you.?, Your earlier response would have been, "Ace man, That house looked exactly like the one i think i saw in my dreams," when you know already you are talking bullshit. instead the answer now would be an appreciating "Ya dude"..
As i have written for some of my frnds, in telugu some say, Gaadidhi guddu, kankara peesu. The thoughtful niche makes u think God The Good, Conquer peace. Thoughts get thoughtful. Thinking of a classic slow song like the Man who sold the world -Nirvana or probably New Moon-Twilight Background. Sometimes around 2 or 3 in the night when i start to explore my balcony in the night.(Jab Sara Sheher Sotha Hai, Thab Shyam Balcony mein Ghoomtha Hain..Lol), i ponder so much that thoughts get to condense from my eyes and make me thoughtful about what things have made me to stand there and think about things that has made me see REALITY and perhaps sometime before, i was too timid to stand out and accept and see that. It has been more than managing for the time being before and when time comes when i have to see what i have done, i repent and perhaps everybody has a time for this and i am havin it now and Like said," Everybody wil catch the train, i will too catch, but at the last. "Can busy life surf out more thoughts in me than now, when i have too much to think and nothing to do.?

Growth should never be a constant term when one is static and perhaps he has to outgrow himself as the day finishes. Perhaps we have to outgrow people, emotions and reactions for an event tomorow if there is a case if deja-vu. Perhaps a life is too big a day to outgrow what we have learnt this life and perhaps in the next life have a different approach for the same thing. The beauty of creation is, in any life you never have a deja-vu and always you have to act with your instincts. Growth is such a wonderful phenomenon that makes you fall every moment making you to more stronger to climb higher and know that Life is like a game of cards, The point u think you hold all the cards, you lose most.

You are doing a great service to the nation son...

2009-04-16T22:13:00.003+05:30

These are some of the very few words that gifted people get in their lives for doing something that the nation finds, a some what genuine use for. For the first time, when i heard this words in the movie " Beautiful Mind", *ing Russel Crowe., He has such a natural flair of deducing anything , infact deducing and seeing the logic behind events occuring around us. Though he was considered as indifferent and all.. The truth is that he was terribly sad with himself that he was afraid that the knowledge within himself would be misused and feared to doing things that he dint like and he mentally visualized himself getting blackmailed.!! The irony of the story is even genious folk like them have to face such horrendous threats that it becomes very hard for them to keep themselves in focus. The reason behind this observation is that, it takes lot to be gifted. when they are gifted, they usually think its a curse and then again, it takes even more to realize that those are given to complete a mission or join into a race that might lead the latter. We, crave for them and never get indeed think life would get lot easier if we were sort of mutants. But, Every entity, tangeable or intangeable, reactive or no reactive suffers, experiences and learns from its own mistakes and its course of evolution. Its jus a small analogy that the tenth class student has his own problems and then the third class boy thinks that life is heaven if he was in tenth class. Perhaps both are in such states that neither of each can express his problem thru words to the other and always think abt that life would be good and enjoyable when they swap their positions. Indeed the beauty of the evoution is we grow in our life by understanding, interacting and learning.But, like a stone, when placed on glass, when reaches higher heights gains lot of potential energy. when the higher it goes and makes a smaller mistake, it creates a bigger impact on the stone than when it would fall from a smalle height. The ignorance levels in adults becomes exhorbitantly high. A new born baby is born and according to results, it takes surprisingly either no effort or full effort of a person to make the child smile. The child is like the nature, it may smile for anything and all the time we, adults struggle to make the child smile. when the child smiles, if at all i could go inside the thinking cells of the brain of the child, it would have been echoing laughter at ignorance of the so called "grown ups" and again helplessly neither of each can communicate each other's feelings at the point when it matters. Like always.. TMTB- Too Much is Too Bad..
When i ponder about the "INNER MAN" of a person, however he might look from outside, I jus hope we all could have inner eyes to view what the real man is and see his actual reaction and whats that making him stop or making him to hesitate to do things that he is supposed to do. In the movie "Taking Chance", the major, who is supposed to be mentally strong meets people in different occupations who show their respect and their feelings for the soldier who died in the war and is taken back to his homeplace for his funeral.. The inner eye opens and he sees the respect not for the body but for the respect of a human being from a human being.. at every stage from a child to an old man feels it. The Major says." The respect for the life was given from the point he died and he was more than alive when the coffin was being carried on and he passed away when he was buried in here". Life is more than one can expect and thinks or imagines about. Its about fulfilling the mission he has come here for and perhaps we need to even search the mission.
I am herenow more than a feeling abt one's feeling on anything, anybody or any situation.Its like the more we run behind the butterfly, the farther it goes from us. We should clearly understand the contrasting difference between guidance, support , advice and forcing. This four are applicable at all levels of comprehension and interaction i.e with humans, plants etc. and with humans(frnds, relatives and officers). Often great truths are not hidden and we crack our brains to find those. Its been a more than understanding now a days pondering abt people who speak always that there is lot more to offer when we listen and as always things mould us for the circumstances we need to face. So, if at all you are fearing about how you would fare about in the cruel world outside, dont worry, an automatic healing and adjustment wizard makes you adaptable for where u go.

The more i feel the pain,
The more it makes me prepare for the future slain.
Why does the shout comes from the spasm
That conviction is the source of enthusiasm.
I feel more than tested around by you,
I get puzzled when u say, brunt was for me, why the grunt for u?
Life is not to be concluded now in this phase,
I realize its clear now , when u removed the Haze..!!

Position in control.. Roger that

2009-04-15T01:28:00.004+05:30

The title says it all.. i jus cant imagine how i suddenly change my mental status according to the situations around that some how invariable makes me to write the blog that things are indeed making me do something different that i am either supposed or not supposed to do. Phew.. Its just that when u start to feel the sweet that u r eating is tasting more than " sweet" and u r like, i had enough of the sweet. the paradox of the current lifestyle is perhaps everything is good, anything more makes it bad. A person with too much drinking, too much of work, too much of reading and too much of talking gets to feel at some point that things are getting over extended and perhaps as enjoyed shud be phrased as endjoyed.
As i believe, anything that we pray for and ask for, surely for some reasons does not happen all by itself. Instead its jus made to be done and taken by us. Its jus that we have never understood the reason and the logic governing our actions, reasons for the action and further which the evolution never makes us think. I suppose the person anybody higher than us is too honest and kind to give us the fruit of the action we do. Therefore if there were any discovery made(invention would be a joke), the person gets the credit and for any bad thing he gets the heat too.. Therefore for doing anything great or horrible, i suppose i am more than the last name in his priority on his and its too illogical that makes me think that way and heis the person who troubles me in the daily life. I suppose we make our own destiny and that we are not updated with the acts we have been doing lives before.
Flashes like dreams may partly be a clue to what actually we are supposed to do. We surely know the difference between a flash and a dream. A Flash is a complex figurative idiom that has to be understood and applied in real life. A flash guides you. Unlike a dream may be due to regular or a prey to ur likes, dislikes and fears. All Flashes are dreams, the converse is never true. I suppose being on the minority side or being alone amidst many a people may be the most difficult situation is one;s life because there are lot of chances where he may get influenced by the ideas and actions of the latter and one should have a firewall, a repelling sheath that makes him to stand on his word and ideals.
Being in a kinda habit makes life worst. may it be in constant touch with some one or habits like drinking or smoking. They haunt you making me a slave of a stream of similar vibrated and intesified thoughts. After some time, after a change, u have a layer of thoughts superimposed on that, perhaps erasing more than anything else that recorded, thoughts are the most difficult to erase and that only the intensity can be reduced.
When a person is reactive to a situation and not thoughtful, he does not comprehend its reality. Perhaps balanced, non-reactive and utmost stolid personalities are given responsibilities of higher order, physically, monetarily or ethically. Therefore it becomes tantamount on one;s mental strength of having absolute discreetion to deliver things at the right place for the right priority.
Things have been more than churning me making me know the mistakes i have been through and like a non-penetratable sheath, change is not being permanent. I jus feel its getting thin and one day for sure, its going to start showing the changes. The change in the winning side is never making the stronger time weak, but making the weaker team strong. Things that i do are making the open doors sealed and perhaps extended doing to some activities are going to lead me to a multiple dead end situation. Completion has never found its place in my talk and further incomplete has been frequent in my talk. I am glad i could jus remove the two letters "in" from incompletion. When i think dejected or cheated, i get angry on infinitesimally small issues that need to no priority. I get an idea to humiliate somebody, laugh at a person's agony or perhaps want to listen to a person more sad than me and jus not able to listen, accept and comprehend my present status of atmosphere around me. Its jus that change is making the bad things react in me and causing me to do things that are not desirable. The Irony is you realize how futile, irresponsible and useless were the things you did, jus after doing it..

Evry day looks longer than before,
every rupee looks more valuable,
every word is becoming more thoughtful,
everything is looking Real.

Priorities

2009-04-09T00:12:00.004+05:30

Hey Kala Kala Kala Bandhar Baahar hain ya , hain andhar..

This might be one of the posts which took me lot of time to come and perhaps things have been jus too .......(any adjective i use would be controversial)..It has been jus fair and nothing else.. Its jus that some people who have been stopped talking with me from quite some time have had a resurrection of their behaviour towards me. On a bad note, its jus that i have abruptly cancelled one of my biggest dream to sing( A Karaoke Program). The time i was planning for it, i was planning for it too much and GOD i was learning photoshop and all.Things make me jus so different for the event that i thin.. perhaps saturation is jus inching and i am almost on the verge of getting dfrnt and ugly. esp when there are threads like second aniversary and all..I see my thoughts sway suddenly somewhere the body is automatically teleported to a place like in the song" Dance of the Death", " They took me to a place unholy, and then danced and tranced with them".. Perhaps music is created, as told by raghu either to vent out; when under effect of drugs or in utter depression, perhaps thts when the real comes out and then music comes out, the incredible guitar solo sometimes, cant imagine.hmmm
Coming to priorities, its jus that i have wasted more than basic significant numeric value of chances to be in a such a stage to write this statement. i jus think i am fit into a frame that i cant move out and neither do i have a positive frame of mind to prepare for anything else. Infact bloggin is a big attempt after havng a tragedy in the GRE exam. But priority is most important. now that the Job is the only chance that i have and i have to accept it in any way it comes so be it the villain i go with and be it the vamp i work with , i have to neglect, infact pushing away them and work towards somthing different. not the Job, but something i know is not the Job.
Any word if really meant is too heavy to comprehend and for sure priority is in the top list..i think there are so many prioroties in many things like chosing between one and not the other wud give me somehting and take away from me something for sure. be it wht to eat, whether to reply or talk or no, go outside or no, shud i apply here or no, shud i go anywhere, shud i join CTS or no, shud i wait or no, shud i be happy or sad....
Perhaps in some situations too much analysis causes problems rather than simple decisions like chance.. perhaps people who talk and think less and simple are well "placed" than over-planned like many. I think many times that i shud be balanced in all occasions whtver happens or get response for everything. hmmm.. the right word is nonplussed.. neither do i have a bad sense of humour nor am i a clown.. The more things i learn , i presume the nearer i am getting to where i am supposed to go. I know for sure that this is not the place i am waiting for my incarnations to go in and i am not going to find a person like THE ARCHITECT(aka Matrix architect) to tell me i have reached the right place and all bullshit.. perhaps i have to be mentally, intellectually manipulated and modified for something better and nothign more than that.. I seriously have lost all the happiness that i planned for and jus think whtver comes on the way is the thing we have to be abreast with.. I have been going so far in both brave and coward ways and one shud includin me shud accept that one is responsible for whtver happens and therefore wait whtver one has to get..
Movies are now a days a rare thing. doing lot of image manipulation and sound mainpulation and perhaps after the tuitions, shud run off from all these things and come back with the call.!!!

Observation makes learning.
Learning leads to doing.
doing to knowing.
knowing to understanding.
understanding to prioritizing.
prioritizing to communion.
communion to perfection..

After that what....

2009-03-16T23:27:00.002+05:30

In case of peril and utter despair, when the Freudo sees no alternative to move ahead anywhere, he undergoes a painful time with gollum, where he does not know whether gollum is the person who might take him to the mountain and he has to trust whtver he says and wherever he goes. Is this what is happening to most of the common.
I seriously think the making and cutting off of a relationship is jus one great phenomena. its starts off with the matching of the interests and pledgin each one that they might well be the best couple around and each one assures that the world contains more than VIBGYOR when both unite. all fine. when a fight come, the situation actually starts to get stable than to lose control which is, a person can do anything to be with the other and yet a sorry cud have dont the trick which when brings ego in each... Then as summer comes ice melts, people melt, either both or one, and then things come back to normalcy..
There are situations when one needs to ponder about a word called "push" or"drive" which literally means the move ahead.. There are some forms of living which exist and grow when the "Evolution"pushes them to the higher level for reasons unknown. There is a category of Human beings where the equations are dependent on more than one variable. We drive on our own and then the drive from the "Evolution' comes and sometimes without effort we are driven.. These statements shud be figuratively understood for in times of despair, its my "push "that matters and we feel it to be cumbersome and when in time of happiness, we are pushed.
Its a common fact that we dont get what we want now and others get it when they dont want it. Another thing that might make some people think is about the direction we are mostly taken into.. If i was a mechanical engineer(might be for reasons unknown lol..), i was getting into touch relating to people who were well versed in mechanical engg and all and suddenly i like some other job whch is no where related to wht i am supposed to and i do that my entire life.. every time i get a news or an item makes me think abt what i am supposed to do but i dont do.. Its like i always could knew i had good arm power with deceptiveness in my arm action. i chose to play badminton when i had to tryout with cricket.
Movies are on an all time low this fortnight with the complettion of seeing all the Oscar-nominated movies. i gave into myself some serious experimenting with playing both cricket and badminton( no refernce to the example above). and tried to see hope rather than dim luck. As Dumbledore says "Once again i ask too much of u harry" still remains my fav one liner. The Tom Riddle kid is real good and looking forward to see the postponed picture.
Everytime i think to say something nothing comes out from me, something comes out from me when i start to share wht i think.
straight morals:
deserved people give everything, undeserved people get eveything.
luck made me unlucky
The impossiblest question to answer: Who is this GOD man anyway?
and
people havin good arm power, dont leave playing badminton and start playing cricket..

All about that does not matter much

2009-02-11T23:09:00.002+05:30

Well this may be said as the beginnning of what i am thinking of and perhaps it must be what blogging or writing must ultimately lead me to.. seeing the positive side of this. i wanted to engage myself in good neat truths. I am not what i am now. Infact every moment either i start to go away from the goal or towards it. perhaps the more i traverse in that zone i might know the difficulty of having a sustained position of mine on the path. As said"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking on it". Deducing things to simpler quanta or humane levels of understandability actually in some terms attenuates the real gist of the content. We try to get the idea, understand it but never try to see whts behind or before or beholding the idea. Therefore we never seem to appreciate the gravity or the beauty in the making of Things.
We cant choose between the choices we never understand and therefore it would be totally premature to interpret or expect the future as it would totally kill concepts like creativity and spontaneity. One should ask oneself how can one want to know the future when he believes on instinct, creativity and natural flair. As The Oracle says " We cant make any choice, its already made, jus need to understand why we have made that choice".
I sometimes ponder why wud we try to prove our talents, the nature of competiton, to prove better than OTHERS, forcibly supressing ourselves to do to push down others in a ladder climb, but never to climb on our own irrespective of anybody with u or without u. Its jus that we have a template in our mind that says" SETTLED FUTURE" and anythign and everything we do should be modulated and transformed into that template. Perhaps too scared of the other templates..? Never do we have assimilated the term "Relativity". we have been taught the concepts in their extreme levels. sad x happy, good x bad, rich x poor and so on.. we need to learn the concepts on a 1 to 10 scale the 1st one and the 10th one. never knew what vocabulary was between the word and the antonym. perhaps some were able to like.." a little, not much, satifactory, average but cud never be quantified".Perhaps the language has an inert limitation in it. If its rich, how much? i say Bill Gates and that means he is like a 10/10 definition of rich and suppose for Christ's sake somebody tries to earn or surpass him or he becomes less. it shudnt infer somehting more than 10 liek a 10.1 superlative clause cant be quantified neither be constant.
If there was a person named GOD and he created the earth and made all the beings in it ingnorant of the reality and made believe that his power is limited to this planet(This delusion exists in every Form of living). seeing how hopelessly we depend on material that might be simple combination of matter and pure illusion created by our sense organs, what would his reaction be..? Lets have an analogy, Its like a computer game, u create the characters and the plot and the environment around them and when the character loses his way and start to make mockery of himself , not serving the purpose(actually lost his path to the ultimate destination), what would our reaction be.? angry , sad, pity, funny or urge to help him..? I suppose this might well be the most difficult circumstance for that man called GOD.?
Is our existence the beginning of anything or the end or is the transition.? Are the people around us "different arrangements' of the same folk we have been seeing for eras together.? by studying in a school, by goin to a college, by working, by earning and struggling for food and money, by emotions, by attachments, by our entire existence what is the purpose we are serving.? Wud our daily activites(whatever it may be from our getting up to eating or doing any desirable or undesirable thing) helping anything or moving us to some other level of understanding? There are some questions in eternity that drive eternity, when answered, the process stops. Every activity is based on an universial axiom(axiom is a rule that does not need to be justified or proved) i.e everything has a reason behind its happening and the other is we are moving..

Infinite Element Analysis

2009-01-19T22:37:00.002+05:30

Dono what is going on.. everything seems to be so spontaneous and all that its jus coming to tell somethng and go. after i came back from chennai and was searching jobs and all and no hope almost form CTS, i thot i shud subsequently change the track of my change, i jus applied for Allen and dono why everything went on so smooth that the questions jus tailor made for the project i did in BHEL and i should be grateful to whatever i learnt and due to whom ever i got that chance. I jus thought i would be growing very fast here as the facilities and all were so tempting that they projects that i had to work in were govt. projects, so i thot it was okie.. more than acceptable. then started twists as expected.. CTS calls CSE IT ECE in two days and all in hyd only.. EEE also same almost and next also in short notice.. twas like mummy rose up from tomb and talking again.. cudnt have expected this,, and that clause in the offer letter of improper intimation and liquiidty charges.. i thot so it was important to control the things i knew rather than spilling it around and repenting again.. so thot that i shud wait for CTS and nothig else, when its sure that he wil call..
Job in Allen was a A/c Cabin in the QC room with a 240 Gb HD and 4 Gb ram wihtout TFT screen and lots of work that i liked to do.. room full of instruments and things that i fantasized about.. files abt Navy projects, Mines and detonators, explosives. i got a shudder when i was modeeling a rocket launcher for BDL which was a part that we had to manufactire as well.. an attachment to the submarine for coastal intruders. too much. Honestly, i wanted to work for some time. Going to CPDC for that analsysis,, i started to assemble In PRO-E and analyse in Nastran Solver and explaining things that i found difficult.. reading FEA textbook while eating..
Weirdness reached its height when i starte to do FEA analysis on a Hat when a person would wear it and then started to make an optimum design with Nastran things in UG and then interpretting Autocad drawings to model my fst real time model the ANSP container.. looked really a great piece to me..those supports and the container when i saw in the factory, i thot the platform was set to learn and deliver with utmost precision.. why do things come and go at the wrong time. i told them all the experiments i solid works and my fst successfull assembly in simulation software was done.. Quality Control things and their impact.. BHN, Rockwell, delamination and al..mind was floating and all in that room.. In the typical Harry potter funda, there was a room in the fourth floor where we cud get whatver we wanted and wished inside that room,, The Room Of Requirement.. this was also on the similar lines.,
Things started to change. all was appreciated, no errors also,... like ansys, irrespective for whatver bullshit we enter, it always tells us SOLUTION IS DONE!!!, and my ever model was appreciated... haha blues in the room.. sitting and thinking what to learn and talking abt cleaning systems.. was telling how they were under using the facilities,, and how shud we upkeep.. daily hours on phone for doubts from KLN.. were sort of kinky.. preoccupied no online.. formals WILLS shirt and all.. telling the technical things in manufacturing whatver i knew.. but it sort of jagged after some days and then after reading that clause i thot. time up.. no remake of The Great Escape Movie.. lol..
In Short,
"Solid" was too "big" to "analyze". wherever i "imported" and how muchver i try to "fit" the solution to the "question", suddenly a "new dimension or a problem" is always created and perhaps every new problem was the way to a "better" and "Convergent" Answer towards the real answer that probably i was waiting for.. I learnt that i had to use the "Fine" mesh rather than the "coarse" one.. and like that CPDC Expert said.. "Observe the Problem from the Base and not superficially"..
This is in short Living "In" finite "Element" Analysis

Sindbad the Sailor

2009-01-02T23:43:00.000+05:30

Well the song jus describes what can probably and what is going on in most of the lives and i certainly think the song wil prove itself right. I am back on track listenign the Socha hai song from rock on and shredding invisible guitar with karaoke. for an instant almost i lose myself and then close my eyes and start giving a regular rhythmic nod of the head to the beats and keep an stressed expression when the tone lifts up or the guitar reaches to a high tone..Its jus like bliss when i give a build up of the music director for this song.
Taking a lot of patience together to complete the Broca's Brain book by Carl Sagan and i learnt and surprisingly affirmed one law. Human Life in so integral with the Newtons Laws. Every person is either too low to too high(inertia). somebody has to stop or to push to change the state of a person and on one;s own its not possible.Days before in the Adyar beach in Chennnai , i woke up one morning around 5 in the morning and then started jus walking on the beach and then after an hour so, sat down and was observing things that are so intricate and yet so open for all to observe. I think biggest secrets and principles are so open and visible. We cant identify. I think if v wanna hide anything if v keep it in a place much more open, the chances to lose that are less. Things like sand deposited by the water in every wave, the Horizon, the place where the wave actually generates and the shells that come out and when i knew the story of a pearl, which was, every sand particle when trapped in an oyster shell and in the bed due to the pressure and heat and forces, it turns into a pearl. i was imagining the beach as a potential for the number of possible pearls.It feels so good so sit alone in the beach and thinking how complex things have turned up. tensions, study, work, money,relationships, attraction, self-consciousness and many things. I suppose everybody have a place where they sit alone and think , where am i, whts happening to me, what am i doing, what do i like and why am i here, questions that keep answering itself repeatedly in glimpses and we have to compile it.
I sometimes think a words that come frm a great realized person are highly practical things and its takes time to understand the depth of their talk. like" The Word is nt the thing", "let go","After that what?"... these phrases follow after everything we do and we get the right answer for this and the answer comes from the so called Peter England Inner man. Most time we supress and at times when needed it doesnot come out. Sometimes when i think the concept of communication, the globe has a become a smaller place to live in and for sure i know anymode of expression or communication physically cannot convey what we actually want to say and perhaps the best way to convey is to leave them to experience. I think if everybody is doing what they are supposed to do and all in place. the creation would be one piece or work and perfection would be attained i.e death, whereafter there is no growth and since none is happening like above, every thing is happenign for reason and as said by morpheus" We cannot understand beyond the choices we cant make" and evil is churning people to do good better and the concept is not to a contrast at all, instead an alternate route to acheive the same..

I have literally got mad about the song in Surya s/o krishnan, Yaedhe ne koyakey,, the female and the male voice. the song looks tailor made for a classic tune. I stil wear my brown jerkin in front of the "companion". The scene in the night looks like Neo entering the room to meet the Acrhitect in Matrix Reloaded and then sipping hot water with Socha hai and yaedha Ney Koyakey banging and with blogger.com in,As always i cant ask for more...

Surprising Evolution

2009-01-02T00:02:00.000+05:30

Cometh the new year with a hope to make things right(kinda satisfy the expectation we have, atleast normalcy).
Been quite a time tht i have been coming and writing. Actually i have been in a fix to write the blog. when i was too full of ideas i was not connected to write and when i was drained of thoughts and almost like had a sort of Memento thing, i was free to blog and was thinking wht to write. anyways it was a thoughtful trip to chennai and certainly i think it made my change my outlook and made me realize the other things i could do in my time i was in reality, wasting, and the preferences whch i had to give people, freinds, movies, .. be it anything and perhaps i suppose thts the most important thing tht anybody shud be able to do before he is into the world he has no idea how ruthless, rountine and unpredictable it can be. I supposed the lesson can be learnt in two ways , in office and at home and i have been thru it by being at home and certainly at home, we get more time to think than at work and then the vitriolic effect may be seen here. If this is not a part of one's life, he would be missing things that we are actually experiencing now, whether happy or sad, its for good.
Been through a flurry of movies, ghajini and the most important of all was slumdog millionaire. It was an eye opener, esp the last one. how did he get the answer to the final question in the contest.
a) he knew it
b) was told
c) guess
d)IT WAS WRITTEN HE HAD TO WIN
A perfect blend of perfect direction and the stories he told, how he knew the answers for the question. almost tailor made for a perfect film. seen some films as well like where eagles dare, the age old collection of Clint Eastwood with the typical one liners that the captain used to say along with impossible ideas and feats. Been reading books like How to interpret dreams and Thought Forms by C.W.Leadbeater. from the roots of the Theosophical Society.
Perhaps here i am today after i churned my self sitting in beaches in the night and realizing my evolution. How my habits were nurtured, why i fear when anybody raises his voice. why i need anybody when i get alone and never had the habit to stay alone. how i supress and depress myself to let out my sadness instead of tellin outside.
Its said a lie is told to escape or to gain support, though when told back the truth again, things get back but the lie piles up and never exists as a single lie and perhaps the self gets satisfies very fast that it has escaped and there wud be never a lie in the next situation and then when the situation we cant help it.
Today in the evening after my nap, i was feeling i was jus on the verge of dying. i was aware of a session like a reel back show of what all i did and what happened to me, with and without my knowledge and then like a trial balance shows whts the Karma we are left over with. I jus got up with a jerk and realized what i was doing and how complex life was, settling off and creating "new" accounts and how i should be dealing with them off to be normal. like from negative value to come to zero and then further positive work.
When mom was telling i was very fluctuating with my health while i was small and then living separately when amma was unwell. people behaved sort of different with me and that at a young age ,carved something in me , my habits, my thought process and sometimes supressed, didnt know what how i cud vent out my sadness, my helplessness, i used to close myself in a room and refused to come out instead of telling to anyone and thus i started to close myself with others and very little was i like others and then i was forced to "flow" into an ideal mould that would perhaps make me perfect in the future and i lost what i had to do.
My childhood is almost repeating now with similar things happening again with me escaping by depending on frnds, people and they playing when they know i am totally on them and then i taking time to find someone. i felt very sad that i was like transferred from one to another and then i never had any conscience of my own and tht was the problem i was facing. Many say dont sit at home and get busy. thoughts in the mind dont have a sort of gate to stop their flow and control. dono what wil come from where and depends what preference we gave to those thoughts and we can supress not stop and if people are not getting those thoughts, its jus that thoughts are not creating any impact on the mind and its from my childhood upbringng, there are very less things i have hidden and suddenly when hiding or talking formally is a rule in the rule, its taking time for me to get accustomed to this environment. I am now a days fearing to meet anyone because they got adjusted fast unlike me and there are very little people who encourage me and mostly cry or pity or talk professional shit like recession and job sacking and stuff as if nobody knew abt it.. when i am in the waters in the pool and not able to swim. coming and pushing in further , is what can be an analogy.
I certainly realize i am not the only one like me who is getting affected like this. i jus think one thing what Mr. Hegde told in his public lecture;
Where one can sleep four can sit
Where one can sit, three can stand.
and i think i should co-operate with people around me and try with much efforts and i certainly believe the Force that drives everything, i believe when things are ready for me, i wil punch off into different platform making this a rememberance and nothign more.

My desi Gal My desi Gal

2008-12-18T00:03:00.000+05:30

I suppose this song is making me mad every time i listen i am listenign to it. this was the song i hated most and dono what practice it can be called. if u dont like anythig more, the more u r exposed to it, after sometime you get mad about that(kinda typical telugu films for starter heroes and all.
Been like a Back to square one position and its more than comforting that i am starting to think about my priorities and people who r laughing behind the curtains(Its the comparison given by Osho), I think i could not be in a worst sitution than this adn perhaps the wild part of getitng out.experimenting from home tuitions to seeing flop movies like the one of allari naresh came.. blade babji and dongalabandi, guitar ambition and seeing insane movies english and playing core shuttle and trying to apply my mind for possibly every shot i try to play. eating all food( The kinda vareities that are not allowed also) and at the end of the day reporting to my reporting officer..(my blog).
There were many places this time i had chance to go this time. seeing surya s\o krishnan in sort of theatre,(yuck screen 5 in prasads. its was like a stage for some item essay writing competition). That film was like unimaginable. The only thing i liked in the entire movie was the guitar part and nothign else. simran in those contrasting salwars. This guy surya is crazy he is worse than me. he goes all the way to Berkley university to see Sameera Reddy and then she dies in a blast for the project she was doing in FBI office. she was get exxagerating results of 99% avg anta and then suddenly he comes back. Go to kashmir. do something else. miitants and all.getting some award and suddenly out of thin air while eating tiifin one day he gets idea that he wants to go into Army katham he becomes army and then the purpose of the next heroine is solved. all looked so so so silly to me. Surya is not been utilized properly according to the talent he has. and He is crying all through the film and the mood is dull when a person liek surya cries almost like periodically for every 5 min..
Apart from this, had been to sirisha's birthday party. have been speaking about couples & love and silly topics like is egg veg or non-veg. almost didnt think of any stupid that day. atlast i got the book fountain head of Ayn rand to go thru what was in that..Listening to a song from swades. Yeh jo des hain mera.. Wah somewhere it has a soothing effect on me and i get so happy and suddenly varsha keeps dar e disco. How cud shahrukh Khan do swades and again Om Shanti Om. looked like oxymoron.
Was talking about a virtual Character called 'X' who i supposed to be almost equivalent to GOD who planned such an excellent, well-planned conspiracy of the financial breakdown that royally and professionally he has affected CEOs, banks, people need of funding for MS, Software solution(who depend on projects), and me. I cant imagine the planning and the effect he might have thought while doing such a step and they still say its going to turn worse than now in the coming times. I suppose i remember a person like THE JOKER in the picture who are in the clan who jus like the world burning and nothign else..
The only thing i think now is like a typical lakshya dialogue"Main Akela Army mein kya karoonga" and now is a task where i shud be alone enka. I was inspired lot by John Miller frm Saving Private Ryan. God, Tom Hanks can express feelings that i cant even imagine sometimes. and in the next moment a film like Death Race comes out with modern day swift and core action and the concept of the racing and all using sophisticated machinery and all with great music behind. Saw a film called rab ne banadi jodi. aemo i felt filmy, but music was good.
Enuf of Filmy buzz, been listenign to the songs from Simon and Garfunkel , quite an old album. constant chants of the CORRS- unplugged shows in MTV and then again the The Man who sold his world - Niravana.. I seriously think sometimes i am too lost in my life or may be i was in some bad waters on my route towards a place that wud perhaps be liek a perfect place for evrybody. Perhaps for everybody i think there are certain constraints for anythign perfect, perfect boy\girl, perfect place for work, perfect movie, perfect song. perfect shot, perfect food, perfect behaviour... Well this is what is the making of a perfect person is..

Instant Enlightment

2008-12-10T22:56:00.000+05:30

I suppose this is the fastest feeling i have got to tell back that i have got enlightened that probably i am in a position to be authoritative an slash anybody who is showing pity on me perhaps that i am not getting the treatment they are getting.. Like some say to me i still not shy to say i am still enjoyin and no depression and am ready to defend anythign that comes to me and perhaps i still think i am still in the same status that i was two or three blogs before with those guitar solos and the School of the Rock mood.. thinking like Jack blak in most of the situations. I still think its not a lost cause at all and things are made worse to get reapired better and i still think with the little brain i have i can be happy and get a job that is befitting to the things i know. so there is absouletely nothing to worry that things are out due to recession and i have my support to take any decision and thts the biggest suport and i need nobody support almost. i have a dad who smmiles while i sleep when he leaves. my mom wakes me with a call that nobody can jus neglect. then some people who keep hell lot of contact literally every min sometimes when i need support from eating to movies and then for shuttle people like raghu shitler lucky santosh pk all the olympic champions and national champions, babby and the typical hello sir hello sir thing with satish having that kiss drop shot and seeing prem shouting and hitting incredible smashes. abhi and federrer trying out best. kishore somtimes surprising me with unexpected shots. after play a gang of four in front of HIMALAYA Bakers. that fellow remembers my face. the same order, cococola for me. icecream+coke for shitler. mazaa for raghu and puff for KK. then talk starts from cartoons to movies to dialogues to everything and then santosh comes back and everybody starts to tease olympic champions and then time to go. I cant expect much better day like this , with my cell phone buzzing always with 100 msgs a day. with surprise messages from bunty and all.. Its waste sparing time for anybody except me.
Chat with invisible people for some time and THEONLYONE_ADVAIT starting the show like the right here right now show with rap lyrics and making the talk so crisp like we discuss evrything and then at 11 sharp i get a call from sharat and his talk abt all and me and how sometimes things change and all. Lots of oxymoron talk from shitler and phone buzzez till 1 in the night and then get a messgage" YA GOODNIGHT. ", feel terribly sleepy. think of all possible matrix shots in shuttle and sleep. Never remember any dream. wake up with a got up or still sleeping eh?
Do i need anythign more than this...?

Amusingly Serious

2008-12-09T22:41:00.000+05:30

Ha one more into the Oxymoron Series.. Its now like a integrated part of my daily life and perhaps i dono i should be able to perceive why its happening like that or its jus that i have to accept it as a part of my life's order. Dono whenever things happen to me that i have perhaps never thought of or atleast expected of, i think that this is the worst that could happen to me and then something more worse comes by as if somebody is breaking world record in a 100 metres sprint. the better it becomes, the faster it is bettered. Especially after raghu was telling that there wud be no openigns and all. I suddenly imagined myself in a state in my 4/1 and thought i had made a comprimise for CTS too much and was too egoistic not to even use the oppurtunities i cud have atleast tried for and the sad part is whenever i need support, everybody starts to get busy or unwell or something else. i realized i had to face all myself. sometimes i do fall prey to my habits like callin people whom i should not and then get the heat. I have a frame of mind and they have another.. getting scolded everytime i think they can help me out. I am thankful to everyone who is teaching me how to face myself, now that its sure i am going out and not going to work here anymore.
Things apart from this, there has been quite a lot things going on mind abt registering on naukri.com and bullshit that i could not have imagined an year back.I know exactly where i was one year back.. and the things whom i jus skipped because i dint wanna lose that enjoyment and perhaps paying me off. perhaps when i go to adyar, i might get my mind right..esp after some greivances abt finance. i thought i must sit in a room get myself locked up and throw the key somewhere(this was my frnds idea,not mine).
i suddenly come to a position where i need to think from a very basic point of view where things need lot of work to get finished like starting up with a ppt or thinking abt how to prepare for a talk. I have been reading freedom of mind by J.krishnamurty and the only idea that striked me was a two letter idea-"LET GO".Its like the password for everypossible question we can ask. starting frm what shoudl i do and its seriousness quotient and i think thts the best answer. job, friend, phone, job, play, work anything when u have a problem. only one answer. He also continues to say that One is survviving rather than living and the converse is what must be happenign. I have been watching movies almost out of no interest and am not able to have the feeling of a movie-buff anymore. call it saturation or anything. I was sorry for many wrong perceptions and huge dissapointments. Its jus making me like stolid for anythign that might happen to me. be it my close friends birthday or the music i was waiting for or playing shuttle with people who play better than me but i occasionally win overthem. I have been overtaken by fear. not to go alone,not to talk abt me, not to do anythign alone and going along with the flock.
Been listenign to some song from a movie called Chandni Chowk to china and some from Ghajini(Hindi). I have perhaps lost that desperation for the Job and the people i thought who wud help me out. after the day appa told i thought its was not partly conicidence and providence that people become independent in the positive sense and selfish in the other sense, though not asking like the typical way( I was there for u and why u not for me)..
Its been quite a time me giving solos of socha hai song in tha baathroom and perhaps when i do that its jus means thinga are gettig on track..
I wud like to tel an adult adage..
Success kisses u in private, failure !@#$% in public..

almost ready i jus hope

2008-12-02T23:44:00.000+05:30

The day raghu said" naana shivaji happy daus are up.." i thought somthign else. CTS calling him and somebody also. i thought mera number aaneey vaala hai and then its jus time i was happy sort of not getting with them. be it academic reasons or any other also. i jus think things are jus happening the way i wanted and delay is good to get better people around me. i dont want to get intimidated by anybody anymore and its jus that i had a good day ragging raghu with all those happy days chores me lucky pk and aditya near the regular satya market adda and i thought never ever again we would meet again like that particularly with that frame of the mind and i thought, the days are up. the other day when lucky was saying no more shuttle and he being left out and no more sessions in the shop.l no more analysis abt the play with and by raghu and no movies to go on weekends. most imporatnt cant get up at 10 daily like the earlier blog and almost fot the next 20 odd years.get into a frame that doesnot make me to think everything different other than my work and all shit. i perhaps might be thinking i woudl be getting my call near and i thought not to feel i dint do anythign .. experiment i suppose on anythingi want to. cooking dancing guitar shuttle solo singing classical concerts walking radio and all except things that might be in the schedule of CTS and for sure no professional !@#$ attitude out of my @$#, sure!! kinda busy or telling some make belive stories and all.. i suppose its time they get a taste of a good neat gentlemen proffesionalism from me..i really miss my rock on solo alone and many other things.. been thinking to do anythign and i wanna do with utmost enjoyment..called it hyper or anything else also.. i have been a reading a book holy christ holy grail.. lol and then talking literallly too much to some new friends and i think its us like my reaction to every situation to a guitar solo and every minute is now running and to all those who think i am showing attitude , i am doing what they are thinking..
things apart, i jus got my spy(raghu) now for me to get ready to join CTS and in much comfortablenow that i am jus ready to join there with no tensions and twists and all. good for me i suppose.. i have been literally closing my eyes and singing that song from rock on with so much imagination in my mind abt with the guitar. its almost undescribable..the heights i reach to while there is a solo for guitar.. nothign this time to write. this time. wil come back for sure..

rock on rock on thts it.. no words.. experience is like dumbman tasting honey..

My feelus says i almost nearing...

2008-11-28T22:13:00.000+05:30

My feelus says i am almost nearing something like the type of feeling that freudo has, when he is near the mountain volcano to slip the ring off. perhaps from the day CBIT and MVSR have got mails and esp. industrial production., A sort of weird feeling has come in me. The fear to lose my freedom. I have been living almost with entire freedom for the past half a year and its jus i am now aspiring for more time as i think i am getting to do things that i am liking more. thts what i was talking with amma and sirisha also from the past two days. life cant be anymore exciting and unpredictable. when i was thinking i would be gobbled up by the corporate world in another month or so. i was thinking about the things i had to do. like talking abt colleagues, work and making mockery of bosses, money chase and accumulating, bank acconts, taxes, dead lines, tensions and problems for sure that i dont intend to be in adn moreover i got to go to a place regularly and monataneously doing work for the firm and "hiding" in cubicles and chilling off in pubs and thinking abt future and all.. i was scared today after having my dinner and then perhaps decided i should see dil chahtha hai movie to let this off go and be fine.
I was happy that i still tell somethings that i really feel sometimes to amma and appa and then they tell that the real test to prove the difference might well be this. Dad was telling people are tested well when they are taken into the project but the are tested even more when they are made to sit in the "bench" status and he told i had to be different there and perhaps be like a "can-do-anything" person. I felt particularly bad when i found myself selfishly trying to earn money for my pocket money some weeks before when parents were ready to give me the money i wanted. I started pondering whther i needed to get into the money chase and goose chase so fast from now and become independent not depending on my father. My habits never demand more money than my parents ever gave me. I think the platform is rightly set for me to join the job and then approch the life with better tactics without being too childish. emotion, relationship in engineering, friends and all those i think i have helped were a phase of my life and perhaps the way i am thinking trying to think and do what i am doing is the right way. i dont mean to be stolid and emotionless, but anythign in its limits is very good and perhaps my reactivity is getting controlled. i am not demanding things like before and leaving it to people for them to choose.
Its been an eye opener watching the dasvidaniya movie and the way he completes his "things to do " sheet in a comprehensive manner, showing gratitude to all he cared for. Perhaps after a couple of months, when i read my blog, i am sure i would realize how much i missed doing things i liked. i daily get up by the tenth call of my mom at 9.30 a/m sharp and then see my messages that buzzed me in the night. i then ask my mom.." aaa eroju plan aentee..?" and then a reply comes" eeroju chaala panlu chaeyalee ra nenu", which means i have to do it. then when mom goes for bath. following the multi tasking principle, i keep water for bath, clean house, and brush my teeth. then switch on the computer and put my playlist on. drink coffee have bath and then start work for the day. when i keep cleaning the house. i keep talking with amma how life changes with me and promise that i will never be like the lineage i was from. i could sometimes never imagine what i would be without her and the converse also. dad calls from office and says" arey aemaina manchi mails vuntey pampichu ra, naaku timepass avtundhi.." and then i sit down readin sports news in TOI and then computer. advait comes online and we have a typical probablistic discussion about life to sop to shuttle to cts and astrophysics and then a message comes in my phone.. "hi u there?".. continously 50 messages and then see a film with facebook scrabble and think how could i learn the smash in shuttle with the immobility problem i have in the court. i affirm," think for a fraction of a second more than the opponent and perhaps i could play better and many other things. i then sleep and then wake up ready and message lucky and raghu that i stored in a template" started frm home. in mettuguda, wil be the ground in fifteen min" and then walk from the law college to the ground with the radio on.. play well and come back home and then talk with appa and listen to soothing music and then i get a message.."finished playing aa?".. i smile and then the number counts to another fifty. have dinner altogether after the"king" leaves after his tuition for my sister. with songs and all. i sit to blog my night till i get sleep with messaging her..
I suppose things after a month cant be like this...

this time calvin and hobbes comics a small conversation:
Calvin: Look at all these ants. They're all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up!

Hobbes: I suppose there's a lesson in that.
Calvin: Yeah... Ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV.

Entry to a Fathomless field

2008-11-23T22:41:00.000+05:30

Being listening to Socha hai from rock on and i make it a point to give a solo (including the guitar tunes) daily.. :-)
I am happy actually to note myself myself in better control and thinking better and its jus like that the controls are slowing coming back to me and its jus time that things are going to get right and probably questions that have been ringing from many a mouth wil answered in the way they have questioned and rather it would be like a mirror experience, to get what they do.
I have been experimenting rather heavily this time and been thnking there was lot to do than thinking and jus pondering about things like a LOST CAUSE thing. i have been doing lot of things that are making me know how different people are and how they behave according to their upbringing and i certainly show a lot f gratitude to the people who are directly and indirectly responsible for me writing this statement thanking them. i have been attending to some music concerts of priya sisters and unnikrishnan and certainly have observed that the art is speaking in him in such a way that its not like they look attractive and all, but one thing to observe is that the people who have the art in them whether dormant or active, it shows in their face and tht makes special like when one of the priya sister, haripriya, was chanting something liek 50 odd notes for a song(in the order of sa re ga ma pa...). It was a combination of the basic notes and i certainly think its next to imposibility to chant something in synchronization and then we were out with this... there \was somthign like a repeat telecast of the same with the instruments likeviolin mridhangam and ghattam. i thought the only way they can be in communion with themselves is by music. simultaneously its been the CAT exam week last week and lot of things ringing like calls and cutoffs and all. it was certainly a break for them too.. i was certainly feeling more than occupied and felt i was blessed to have time like this rather than cursing the time i had now.i dint want to get into the money making business so fast that i loose track so early and then i start to loose myself and become a moron that i talk professional always losing mykinda talk and attitude and always talkning about projects and all. Its jus that i am not ready to get screwed so fast.
Its a week expereincing the LOTR(The Lord Of The Rings). I've thought to see the movie and then perhaps read the book and certainly to me. Its like the film has taken me to a whole new world of characters. Perhaps a new side of the fantasy world i was alwasy in. I was always in the harry potter world with the spells and incantations and i certainly think there is more to offer than the orthodox fantasy. I would like to have a separate blog on the LOTR. my fav one was
Legolas.. and nevertheles Aragon and Gandalf(The Dumbledore actor i presume). The geography and the things that they had to face and everytime the problems with the ring and how it was affecting Freudo..
Besides these i have been venturing to put my fingers on to learn electric guitar on. Lets see how it goes. partly inspired by many.. Lolz.:-) The good news is that i have got back my Carlton Club Bat with a better grip and i feel i have been feeling better with that and jokes apart i have been feeling like the unicorn hair core(Harry potter Stuuf, its the core used in harry's wand and no other wand suited him than that..so kinds filmy stuff) sort into that and nobody else who plays with me in a band of about thirty people has a bat of my name and i think i could play better if i start move and blogs would follow regarding the human behaviour as i see in playing in the game of shuttle.. as short i am getting ready for things that are going to come,,
IN short life has been like the typical TATA SKY liner.

Iske saath ho tho life aue bhee ho Jingalalaaa(hope i got that right)

Many things to tell this time

2008-11-14T00:59:00.000+05:30

This time no more indirect refrences and thinking about fundas and all and about my realizations that does not matter to anybody more. this blog is a just a recollection of all those college days i had. some i made them good, some i spoiled, some others spoiled but in the end items. never was a smooth one till now..
Currently listening to songs from fashion called fashion ka jalwa and recently the title track that released from the hindi version of Ghajini. Tune was so fresh, i played nonstop for tent times to actually have a taste of the music and that too rehman was in a such a big project after many years almost after Guru. That too after the time i spoke to charan about the charisma he told he lost and i could not imagine him to get into stupid emotions and talking about crying friendhsip life and all that i think wil never suit his face. anybody who knew him wil know what suits him best. so was wondering what leaving college or joining wokr could do to a person likehim. if he was so dull, what would be my sitution. so i thought the best way to get rid of this is to start doing somethign profitable or not and be constantly in something that perhaps may be useful atleast in telling.
Things like my fst year debacle in ELT lab and all, getting ragged by chandu's cousin, buying temptation chocolates for him., dancing in the buses of 5k\120 and then walking from dabba to college fearing who would catch and then in front of the bloack somebody catching and then toorturing me to complete his assignments. I suppose the day i always remember was the day when probably chandu's cousin sai told me to wait for some work of his and i was waiting in my class. my college had a small settlement behind and there were lot of buffalo herds going on most of the time as there was lotof grass all around. dono how he got an idea god knows. he told me to ring the bell of one of the buffalo and ordered me to sit on it or sing a bad song for that ocaasion . my mind was bkocked how can a person can get ideas out of thin air and that too so weird. and then personal interview, be singing like the naxals typical inspirational song about bravery and all from a movie called Arjun(okka maata okka paata and blah blah). I was singing with fullvigour and they were like getting frustrated and suddenly told "COMRADE" change song to sutta song or the suraangani ka song. then four of us started singing and then some senior of final year( i never knew told..." balisindha aa bey. veedhu aa sonto kaadhu" and bought me to a side and asked me for a smoke and told to come to a small place near the bus stand dabba. When i told i dont smoke, he told me to sit and started intellectual ragging like throeing tough oxymoron situations where i had been doing a mistake for anythign i told, neither could i stay silent also.!! then told to sing. i sang my song. lolz. then he told oh u were the boy who worked for the naxals anaa.. i felt puzzled.. changed song to come premadesham(rehman). lucky me that senior told taht i could never understadn the gravity of those words and started telling me fundas abt gals and what piece of shit they were and told me not to ruin my life and all. he then told i shoudl walk till golconda and then and then i walked and took a bus till MP. Though it looked so childish and immature to me when i was in my final year, i was never a kinda of funda boy(except few) . very rarely taking things seriously. more about me this time on a cheerful note listening to a song seriously to a song from the Linkin park' Its going down, Disk mix and really good guitar mix...

Confirmed Confusion

2008-11-12T22:04:00.000+05:30

Perhaps it has been my passion to use lot of oxymorons in my blog. Its jus to comprehend that How fluctuating life has been for me now. Today for a change, sad and nobody to blame. Happy things do happen to me and its jus tht i dint recognize them. Its always been my tendency to overlook what i have and observe what others have. having a comparison,, think abt people who think abt u and dont think about people who donot think of you. I seriously confess that i have been neglecting people who care abt me and oftenly care abt people who dont care abt me. This blog is abt those who made a difference and i was the one who never thought they were making a difference. There have been people who think i am almost like similar to them or can adapt to them very easily and they can talk or be with ease if they are with me. perhaps i was too engrossed that i never cared or "acknowledged" and i am facing the repurcussions for the same now. Feeling alone all the time and longing for someone i want, to make me feel better. I shouls see the better side going back to them if possible and getting along in the way that makes me and them comfortabel. some i have lost since they knew i was not intersted to be with them and then chose new ways. I may be in the same way, its so selfish to assume that the other person also thinks in the same manner..
many people whose names i cant refer have made my life special and make things something remarkable that i can never things they did to me. Like .. calling me when i am in sheer depression and i think i am hanging on the last rock of the earth., its been many times some people do respond like that. call it telepathy or good thoughts for me. i have never called epeople when they needed help and i therefor i am like this desperately thinking who would come to my rescue.. wishing me sharp at 12 my birthday, giving me surprises and helping me without i asking him(no her). lol.talking for hours on phone with me when the day has been empty, encouraging me to do things that i could do but probably i was too submissive that i could do it, showing me the positive side of any thing and waiting for me at any event when all come and talking and eating together, calling me for a pose with him for a foto without me going there, though so silly and small,it means a lot and i value them. Its futile waiting for somebody to call rather than attending the call which is waiting for you. So recognize the assets u have rather than cryingon the liablities..
Sometimes when i ask my mom probably the reason why i am like this still waiting for the job and my mind getting grilled so badly, the answer is you are learning more and in the harder way now and this was the training i had to get before i was ready to join my company and til i get the job i had to learn something new. Jus then i would know how i should be with people whom i think are close, were close and going to get close.. I suppose getting close is really bad and we probably lose our controls and we sort of become dependent on them and perhaps like them we should have our own reservations and be stable.
Been listenign to the Fashion theme song and almost had a solo performance with no audience for the song SOCHA HAI from the film Rock on. the place?? Bathroom best place to see one's talent in any thing be it dancing , soul talk, confessions or wondering abt problems that we couldnot solve outside that place..

Aasmaan hai neela kyun
paani geela geela kyun
gol kyun hai zameen
silk mein hai narmi kyun
aag mein hai garmi kyun
do aur do paanch kyun nahi
ped ho gaye kam kyun
teen hain ye mausam kyun
chaand do kyun nahi
duniya mein hai jung kyun
behta laal rang kyun
sarhadein hain kyun har kahin
socha hai ye tumne kya kabhi
socha hai ki hai ye kya sabhi
socha hai socha nahi hai to socho abhi

behti kyun hai har nadi
hoti kya hai roshni
barf girti hai kyun
dost kyun hai rooth te
taare kyun hai toot te
baadlon mein bijli hai kyun
socha hai ye tumne kya kabhi
socha hai kya hai ye kya sabhi
socha hai socha nahi hai to socho abhi

sannataa sunayi nahi deta
aur hawayein dikhayi nahi deti
socha hai kya kabhi
hota hai ye kyun
Ho ho ho……
Ho ho ho……
Aasmaan hai neela kyun
paani geela geela kyun
gol kyun hai zameen
silk mein hai narmi kyun
aag mein hai garmi kyun
do aur do paanch kyun nahi
ped ho gaye kam kyun
teen hain ye mausam kyun
chaand do kyun nahi
duniya mein hai jung kyun
behta laal rang kyun
sarhadein hain kyun har kahin
socha hai ye tumne kya kabhi
socha hai ki hai ye kya sabhi
socha hai socha nahi hai to socho abhi
socha hai ye tumne kya kabhi
socha hai ki hai ye kya sabhi
socha hai socha nahi hai to socho abhi

The Melting Sessions

2008-11-10T19:58:00.000+05:30

Been listening now to party numbers like mamb no. 5 o lift up mood from the last post. lol. this week was full of the melting sessions. more of comprimises an make ups because i thought its better to make up rather than split up with anybody even with myself for i know i was never the culprit. Yet, sometimes the "inner" hits me that such things are bound to get broken and perhaps i was jus escaping from that situation for i think i cannot sustain such a situation and i think its better to be like this till the latter changes their thought radically and know whats really happening.
Apart from these listening to scores frm the movie "Fashion", things come on to mind like things like what the Shitler said self control or in the superlative clause of the same is Ego. Sometimes its good to be egoistic and make people realize the value instead of we losing ours and undergoing the melting sessions. lol.
Its been quite a remarkable thing after i attended the marriage and seen many of my "related" people and seen how far i am from them and its now better to understand and get away rather than the other way.. seen many people that they are the milestones in any field and i should be following the people who have set the benchmarks. anyway its good following some and the other jus listening. been procastinating most of the work and trying to wait for people. i jus think its not my time and i jus have to take the beat and then probably i suppose i would be having mine.. all these things come into my mind when i have my thumbs up soft drink near my place and the thirst is getting quenched. feels so good after i have run and returned some of shots i couldnt have in the groudn and think. I Have My Time and perhaps Dormancy will cease to exist inmy life forever.
I dono what the other person thinks when we try to have a makeover with them and i think they will get a morale booster that they are important in the bond and the controls are in their hand. sort of becomes once sided and i getting convinced by any stupid reason they tell for their act. Getting your calls cut, no reply for your calls or messages and not being informed when the others are being informed, many things in the same way that makes me feel that the relation might just not survive more and create more problems that the relation solved either for me or or for them..
I certainly feel for all the things i write, it would certainly make anybody realize how it feels like when anybody would be in my position and though i am not able to tell it as i feel. Its my opinion that anybody and everybody have a bad period in their life when solitary is the only thing that probably is the thing lingering in ur mind. having that unemployed frame of mind and finding the world moving fast and busy that u feel left alone most of the times(always).. and the more u start to think abt this. the more u drown. so its better to blog and vomit things for the day, hopiing things would be good, better than the day i blogged...

the thing that wondered me:
Dont ever tell anybody anything.if you do you'l start missing everybody

Luck Alternation

2008-11-06T22:18:00.000+05:30

Its perhaps my first tryout into blogging and perhaps i just think some of my concepts or the incidents i tell may be weird, but are more or less Real..I just think my life is being run by a certain law that tries to make me, my life my surroundings fluctuating that perhaps stability has lost a word in my daily routine. Everytime i think about anything or any person , perhaps long for both tangeable and intangeable, the more i start to go towards, i start to go away from it. can i control the temptation? Defining temptation..hmm..Be it a phone call whom i care for or be a simple Egg puff that smells like the tastiest dish ever made when i come back from a game of shuttle on the way to my home back. I learnt that everythin that is around me has a certain relation with me that i am not able to recognize and trying either to help me or ditch me and its jus for me to know what it has to give me..?
How come things are not going well... esp. now when there is all the time to think and nothing to do at all. when people around you are so busily engaged that they hardly get any time to talk .. sorry, think also!!. even think what this person might be doing. i jus hope life has made them very busy. one minute talks from a one rupee coin dabba from outside jus to enquire how things are going on with all has become almost a distant idea. may be corporate life has changed them!. Many things can be assumed if the problem is not getting solved.
The day at home started today with a recall to buy a new USB that got burnt the day before (for that seein the stupid film golmaal returns) and then wake up with Windows opening in the companion(Comp). */i and varsha call that. /*.then start seeing the missed calls in the phone and messages from whom i thought(dissapointment though). came up with some calls from sirisha and all who are the people who know abt me .. like predicting what may be running in my mind when my face turns up to a undescribable geometrical object!!(Bad comparison, i know it). they know me quite well. felt exceptionally bad thinking abt what life had store in for me.. abt nikhils' talk(was telling i had lot of time for enjoying now.. if not now then never and then suddenly enter team working guys with money and no time) got up after the nap with rock on songs in radio for the day's play.. dissapointingly for an another day. no racket and exceptional partner to low down my morale. thot a lot while coming why this was happening. then was listenign to songs in radio.. mood changed like the radio station..lol!! this has almost become a redundant life for quite some months and sometimes i jus think its fun.. learning more than i would be learning in office, abt people at home !!

time and radio heals everything i suppose and the thing that just made me think was this:

Complexity and Diversity are illusions created by our limitations, Simplicity and Unity are Real.